Rainbow Coalition Indeed

Congressman Darth Vader (D-CA), led a protest against the Bush administration and the war in Iraq in his home district in San Francisco today. After leading protesters in a repeated chant of "Bush lied, kids died", he stated that once the Democrats have regained control of the House, there would be major changes in how the President would be allowed to conduct foriegn policy, implying that the Democrats would have a greater role in it's formulation than in the past. Stated Vader, "You don't know the power of the dark side, dearie. We'll scratch your eyes out." Vader's constituants in the Castro district were elated. Said one, "Hey, sailor. We're just so happy to be represented by someone who understands us, who's one of us, and can relate to our concerns. Bush doesn't care about our concerns. He's pulled us into a war for oil, and yet prices for K-Y are going through the roof. Who besides Vader will stand up against these attrocities?" The owners of the K-Y Corporation were unavailable for comment.

So Does That Mean That Dead Is The New 60?

HealthDay is claiming that for baby boomers, 60 is the new 45. Truly, has there ever been a more immature and self-obsesesd generation as the boomers? Why can't they just grow old and die quitely, like their parents did? It never ceases to amaze me that the greatest generation could somehow spawn the lamest generation.

Anger leads to lessened lung function

According to a recent study, anger can lead to deterioration of the lungs. Ted Kennedy had this statement: "...Uh, well...uh (wheeze) yes, well (hacking cough that lasted approximately four and one half minutes) then (unintelligible)... what? Yes, F@#ing floozie..." Before choking on his own vomit and collapsing. It can be confirmed that paramedics were called to the scene.

Iran: Nuclear Weapons Only For Peaceful Purposes

Iranian President and former Bronson Pinchot impersonator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that Iran was only seaking nuclear weapons for peaceful purposes. "We have no intention of using the weapons on the aggressor Israel." But Israeli Prime Minister Olmert disagrees. "I believe they will not hesitate to attempt an attack upon our country at their earliest opportunity," he stated in a press conference yesterday. "They will pay for their lies with death from above! They will pay for their crimes against Islam in the hell of the nuclear fire!" replied Ahmadinejad, quickly adding, "But not by our hand, of course, as Iran is a peaceful nation with only peaceful intentions."

In Other Hurricane News:

A "Dangerous John" will be heading into Mexico, touching the tip of Baja. All very Freudian if you ask me. In the mean time, Governor Schwarzenegger has called a press conference to distance himself from the President's handling of hurricane Katrina. He announced that he will be convening a blue ribbon panel to study whether the hurricane will target low income residents and minorities. "We cannot allow a hurricane to blatantly defy and/or undermine the significant hate crime legislation of California," said the heated governor. Minutes later, members of the press were given pamphlets that will be distributed in all soup kitchens throughout the State. The four page glossy sheets inform Californians what they can do in the case of a civil rights violation by the hurricane. The colorful pamphlet is narrated by a new cartoon creation, "Harry the Friendly and Unbiased, Gender-Neutral Hurricane" The hurricane, meanwhile, remained suspiciously silent on the matter of whether it would unduly target the poor.

The Mardi Gras Blame Game

...or how I learned to stop arguing logic and tell that hurricane that it must follow proper federal policy procedures
President Bush spent the one year anniversary of Katrina apologizing for a hurricane. Previously, hurricanes were usually reserved as "act of God" type occurrences. Recently--say about January of 2001--such disasters have been downgraded into the more mortal realm of policy decision making. Apparently, the President is now single handedly responsible for Hurricanes, but only the racist ones that target Blacks and low income residents. No word yet on who will be to blame when Hurricanes target the rich. My guess is that a liberal democrat will soon offer a panacea of Tax hikes on the wealthy so that the children will not have to suffer under Bush's oppressive hurricane season. Sure, they could go with the "global-warming-is-causing-super-Hurricanes" line of reasoning, but why not cut out the middle man and blame Bush or any other Republican directly. I mean it--they should just come out and say that the NSA is hiding photos of Bush smiling, straddling a hurricane, whipping it up with a big Cowboy hat and hollering "down with darkie!" It would be much more honest and a helluva lot more fun.

Gas Prices could drop to $2; Democrats Outraged

Gas prices are continuing to drop, and could be closer to the $2 mark than the $3 mark by Thanksgiving. Democrats responded to this news with outrage. "This must be a conspiracy on the part of the administration to turn the election in the Republicans favor." stated a Democratic operative who refused to be identified. "Next thing you know, they'll catch Bin Laden, and then we'll never get the house back. This is bullshit."

Dennis Kucinich Escapes From Mental Institution

Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Zebulon B) escaped last night from the Florida Mental Instiution in which he had been "resting". "We aren't entirely sure how it happened," said Dr. Michael Stone, head of the Florida Institute for Psychiatric Research, "but he seems to have gnawed through his restraints, and escaped through a hole in the steel door to his "room". The door appeared to be melted, as if by a high powered laser."Kucinich is approximately 3' 6", about 95 pounds, with a light grey skin complexion, big black eyes, and may be wearing a hat made of aluminum foil. If anyone sees Congressman Kucinich, please contact your local authorities immediately. Make no attempt to approach or vote for him, as he is considered to be bat-shit crazy, and possibly contagious.

John Kerry Reveals Deep, Dark Secret

During a townhall meeting to discus the war in Iraq, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) revealed today that he had been in Vietnam, a fact that he had somehow managed to keep secret for the past 35 years. Responding to this revelation, Kerry's wife Theresa stated, "I was shocked, really. I had no idea that he had even been in the military, let alone that he had served in Vietnam." Kerry emphasised that his experiences in uniform make him an ideal candiate for the presidency, and that he would run again in 2008, 2012, 2016, and every four years thereafter, until someone finally votes for him.

Let me be the first to call for....

SUV trigger locks. If this can happen in San Fransisco where they are one step short of door to door confiscation of guns (and presumably a place where everyone is safer for it) just imagine what he would have done in a Red State. On the other hand, I don't think he would have gotten past the first "redneck" with a line of sight...

Might've helped...

From a google image search, I found something that might help Dean. If he ever wants to draw attention from the aliens again like he did with that supersonic scream on Primary Night in New Hampshire, this should do the trick.

Rumsfeld asks Americans for 'patience' in Iraq

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today asked for the continuing patience of the American people, stating that the situation in Iraq will soon change for the better."It's true that there have been many difficulties recently," stated Rumsfeld, "but this is due primarily to all the asshole terrorists that are still alive. We do have a plan to ramp up our efforts in this area, which we will be implementing shortly." Rumsfeld vowed to lead the troops into battle personally, swearing that "The streets will run red with the blood of those who oppose us."

Neato concept for a site, have not heard of it before now...

For all you musicologists. Sent to me by a friend in England. Try http://www.pandora.com/ It gauges what you want to hear and turns it into a Radio Station that plays songs/Artists like the one you enter. Just started using it, but I already got a station going for “Rock Me Amadeus" which started with one of the B-sides from Falco 3 then moved on to an OMD song. Not sure what I was looking for, but that probably wasn't it.

Top Islamic Girl Group Visits Lebanon

Islamic girl group "Durka!Durka!Durka!" toured battle damaged Beruit today in an effort to boost spirits in that beleagured city. They were later executed for removing their veils in public. D3's hits include "Stone Me! Stone Me!" and "I'm So Sorry That You Raped Me (I'll Never Tempt You Again)". (AP Photo/Matt Dunham)

Great Discoveries!

While attempting in vain to subdue several Muslim Suicide Trees, U.N. troops inadvertantly discover the secret of fire. (AP Photo/Francois Mori)

Jesse Jackson Comes Out!

Civil rights leader Jesse Jackson outted himself today while visiting Damascus, expressing his undying love for Syrian Mufti Afmad Hassun. Jackson's wife and Hassun's goat were unavailable for comment. (AFP/File/Louai Beshara)

U.N. Troops Fly French Battle Flag

A French United Nations vehicle drives past a poster of Hizbollah leader Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah in Tyre, in southern Lebanon, August 26, 2006. REUTERS/Ammar Awad

Wave a white flag, put away the pistol, too many people just can't get kissed.But if there's nothing I can do to make amends, baby, I hope you don't murder me.-Elvis Costello

Castro Burns In Hell!

Ok, well maybe not. At least, not yet. He may soon, though. Who knows, he could already be dead, and we wouldn't even know about it. It's entirely possible that he's already dead, and his brother Raul is just keeping it under wraps until he manages to consolidate his power. He could be roasting and boiling in exquisite (and much deserved) agony even as we speak!

NEWS HEADLINES: Flash! General Fidelio Franco Castro Is Still alive!

Me thinks the beard is a resuscitation device, designed by a secret Soviet Plot in the 50's that involves the white blood cells of a twice felled, re-animated John F. Kennedy. Details will emerge that the Satanic Visage of Castro can cause lesions on the body that provide insight into the secrets of Venereal Disease. This also, by the way explains the state of Cuba's economy (Poor) and Health Care system (top notch, especially in treating VD and other possible sexually transmitted mutations that Castro may have picked up from street prostitutes.
In other news, George Bush recently bent steel tracks with his bare hands while lancing a volcano. The trains run on time and the poor indigenous peoples of Ecuador, where the Volcano was erupting, celebrate his birthday as a national Holiday. Thus, it becomes on this day 8-28-2006 that “Neoconservative” in the native Ecuadorian tongue, will hereby translate into "superhero" or to some in the outlying areas, "God of many Compassionate Guns"
Will update as time permits. That is all for now.

Saddam's New Favorite Movie

Looks like old Saddam has been getting some appropriate entertainment while in his cell.Maybe next we can show him Team America.