Puppet Theatre

Word is that broadcasters are nervous about showing a documentary on Set. 11th for fear that it might offend the FCC. Apparently, they had the "guts" and artistic integrity to show Janet Jackson's nipple and now the poor broadcast networks won't risk a fine for a Sept 11th remembrance. Am I being cynical or does this have a whiff of liberal justification/lesson in equivalency? As in, "nah nah, you fine us for something as pure and beautiful as a black woman's nipple but now the shoe is on the other foot and we can't (as much as we'd love to) show this for fear' of offending the mighty FCC...We especially feel bad if we can't show something that everyone knows might help out you guys" In other words, the Dems are wimps on this particular political subject so any remembrance will likely boost the Republicans So sorry about that-- we can't do it... In other news, CBS will be broadcasting a sanitized version of the Tiennamen square massacre done with hand puppets called "The Day the Honorable People's Republic Opened the World's Eyes to the Criminal Student Demonstrations" (CBS: We hope that the FCC won't be offended and especially do not want our friends in the billion strong market of China to look on us with wary eyes...

Anann Advises Iran To Rethink Nuclear Ambitions

United Nations Seceratry General Kofi Anann was in Iran this week to try to convince Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to rethink his country's nuclear ambitions. "I warned him about uranium enrichment", stated Anann, "and pointed out to him that plutonium-based weapons are much more versatile than uranium-based ones, and can be boosted to higher yields with the injection of a small amount of tritium to the warhead's core. He appeared to be genuinely interested in what I had to say, and seemed to take it to heart. With any luck, we should see great progress in this area soon."

CBS News To Change Host, Name

Third-ranked CBS News, in an attempt to improve its ratings and re-find its focus after the institutionalization of former anchor Dan Rather, will be starting it's new anchor tommorow evening. Katie Couric, who gained fame as co-anchor of NBC's "Today Show", will take the helm for the ailing "CBS Evening News", which will be offcially renamed "Everybody Loves Katie". Tommorw's premiere, which has been trumpeted by CBS for several months now, will feature Ms. Couric charming snakes, bending steel bars, and, in the climatic finale, saving the entire west coast from being crashed into the sea by her arch nemisis, Lex Limbaugh.

Klan Holds Victory Celebration In Gettysburg

The World Knights of the Ku Klux Klan held a victory rally and celebration at the Gettysburg National Memorial in Pennsylvania today, after discovering that one of their remaining 30 members still had several of his teeth. The celebration was short-lived however, as it was discovered that the four teeth weren't actually in his head, but preserved in a mason jar filled with moonshine whiskey, made from a special familiy recipie handed down through the generations and revealed to him by his father, who is also his uncle, his brother, his great-great grandfather, and his thrid cousin.

Al-Qaida Loses Yet Another No. 2 Man

The vaugely competent international terrorist organization known as Al-Qaida lost yet another second in command today in Iraq, a position that is getting harder and harder to fill for the beleaugered group. Hamed Jumaa Farid al-Saeedi, known as Abu Humam or Abu Rana, or Abu al-Saeedi, or Farid Jumaa, and occasionally as Aunt Jemima, but who we will simply refer to as Flounder in order to save space, was captured north of Baghdad a few days ago "along with another group of his aides and followers," Mouwafak al-Rubaie, who will be known as Butt-Munch, said. "I should have been suspicious," Flounder stated, " When they asked me to put on this red shirt, and had me beam down to the planet with both Kirk and Spock. I should have saw that one coming. At least I didn't get turned into a small styrofoam cube like the last guy."A senior coalition official told the Associated Press that coalition forces were involved in Flounder's arrest, although the official would not characterize what role they played, as he was far too busy poking at Flounder through the bars with a stick and laughing at him.

Death Race 2008

In presidential news, Hillary Clinton is reportedly mulling whether to run in 2008 again as the not-so-dark-horse Stepford Candidate. Apparently, she seems to be leaning toward concentrating her efforts on leading her party in the Senate. In similar news, I also am thinking of not running in 2008 because, well I will be concentrating my efforts on publishing hackneyed, snaky and only somewhat thought-out web posts.
As for good old Al Gore, he seems to be trying to get the bat shit crazy insane vote going --which as we all know holds a lot of sway in Democratic Party. He claims not to be running, but who knows if the world will call him into action? It is, after all, dying because of people who fly around the world burning fossil fuels to promote their movies...oops, wasn't supposed to say that part, was I? yet still, I can see him sitting around in his den, puffing on a pipe with nothing in it, gazing at all the humanitarian awards that his family got for pumping their Tobacco proceeds into good cases and speaking to the photos of his dead ancestors: “No, I tell you I am NOT running! I said it once and I’ll say it again….what? The World is DYING? I can’t let this thing pass! I must run!” Before ripping off his shirt to reveal a GORE 2008 T-shirt that he has been wearing under his suit ever since the night that the Supreme court bitch slapped him into irrelevancy. No less crazy are the Johns of the Democratic establishment, Kerry and Edwards, polling rather well in the most recent surveys. My guess is that at some point before the primaries, they will merge into one being, producing some mutant creature with Edwards’ hair, Kerry’s three-foot long face and Theresa's, ahem, "continental" accent, consuming Brill Cream and Pinot Noir at a heroic rate.
As for the Republican side, Mitt Romney seems to be making some headway in convincing people that he is suitable for the office. The effects of his Mormon beliefs on the electorate seems to be some kind of open question among pundits. No word on whether Democrats would have a problem with a Catholic President whom we all know would answer to a foreign power. In any case, it is too early to go into all the nuances, seeing as how its FRICKIN' 2006! My hope is to keep y'all updated every week until you are as sick of the Presidential Race starting this early as I am.

Are Muslims The New Jews? Or Just Bad News?

In an article today in the San Francisco Chronicle, Paul Silverstein, an anthropology professor at Reed College in Oregon who studies the intersection of race, immigration and Islam, makes the claim that "Muslims are the new Jews. They're the object of a series of stereotypes, caricatures and fears which are not based in a reality and are independent of a person's experience with Muslims." The funny thing is, though, I don't reacall Mein Kampf being a bestseller amongst the Jews in Nazi Germany, so I guess the analogy isn't exactly airtight. In any cae, it does lead me to wonder if they think they'll be the victims of the next Final Solution, and if the Germans will be providing experienced technical advice and assistance.

Nude Teens Raising Eyebrows, Other Things In Vermont

Teens in the small Vermont town of Brattleboro have a new fad: disrobing in public, baring their bodies in a downtown parking lot, encircled by the backs of bookstores, coffee shops and restaurants. "It's just an act of freedom," said 19-year-old Adhi Palar. "We're just doing so because we can."In an unrelated stroy, the small Vermont town of Brattleboro has suddenly found itself swarmed with tens of thousands of teen-aged boys from all across the country.

Robot Liberals

A new Robot can taste wines and cheeses. It has yet to surrender to Germany. No word on whether the Democratic Party has attempted to court it as a possible constituent. Maybe they're waiting for it to move to the Hamptons. (My appologies to any wine sniffin' cheese eating REAL Americans out there--you never know.)

A Moment Athwart History

Well, it seems that everybody is putting in their two cents worth on whether the current “War on Terror “ can be analogized to anything else. Despite the recent spate of commentary from the administration on whether the opposing side are “appeasers” in the mold of Neville Chamberlain, Methinks that the War on Terror, while not exactly analogous to WW II can at least partially be transposed onto the current state of affairs. For example, I heard it said somewhere that if Iran is Nazi Germany, then Iraq might just as be Italy cira the 30’s. If so, the Iraq model, pre-invasion would have been--as Italy was--a model of a new order that might have challenged the prevailing hegemony if allowed to continue. If Mussolini’s Italy was a defiant ‘new model” on which Hitler later grafted a sort of Nordic mythological face, then Hussein (if allowed to continue) could have served as a sort of model for the Islamo-facist movement. In the opinion of many, he was already willing to borrow the language of Jihad, even if that language was fleshed out by acts of futile if symbolically important acts, such as sending money to the families of suicide bombers. Of course the only reason Hussein was doing so was to opportunistically graft the movement onto his ostensibly secular visage. Yet such actions demanded response, and for too long such a response was wanting. Such was the case with Italy and Germany. Taking the analogy further, Iran, once nuclearazed will be the new model, re-armed and industrialized 21st century Germany.
My one question on the matter is when this ultimately futile quest to turn back the clock to the thirteenth century will produce a twenty-first century Whittaker Chambers. When I ask this, I do not mean that he or she must be just a dedicated Muslim that is able to foresee the threat to the world that this new breed of fascism will inspire. What I will look for is someone among the ranks of the suicidal Muslims who is not only convinced of its perfect vision of the future, but sees it as an inevitability, yet one that is worth fighting against simply for the sake that it is wrong. Or, to paraphrase Chambers, someone convinced that he has ‘given up the winning side for the losing side.’ Only someone with that sort of conviction, I feel, will be able to speak the insane language of the Islamo-facists and inspire the movement to turn upon itself. Until then, we are stuck in this no-man’s land of secret alliances and curious questions about what this existential war really means.

From The Earth To The Moon-Bats

Wacki-bofacki Thom Hartman at the Common Dreams Newscenter has this article about how the confession and arrest of Mark David Karr for the murder of JonBennet Ramsey two weeks ago (which has since turned out to be a false confession, but a true nutbag), was timed to coinside with the revelation that "US District Court Judge Anna Diggs Taylor had rulled that George W. Bush and now-CIA Director Michael Hayden had committed multiple High Crimes, Misdemeanors, and felonies, both criminal and constitutional. If her ruling stands, Bush and Hayden could go to prison." Hartman feels that the timing of this, as well as several other simmilar supposed examples he lists in his article, are proof that somehow the Bush administration is manipulating the news media to cover up stories unfavorable to them by generating fake stories that detract attention. Here's a clue for you all: the reason nobody wants to touch this story is that no SANE member of the news media wants to go on record calling for the impeachment of the President based on a ruling that legal analysts on BOTH sides of the political aisle consider poorly argued and constitutionally shakey at best, by a judge who has, through repeated previous actions, shown herself to be an active partisan on the opposing side. a-DUUuuuUUHHHHH!!!

Sheehan Setback

Professional anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan wept openly today after being informed of a new federal law making it a felony for her to wear spandex shorts in public. "They're persecuting me, is all. First they take away my little Casey, now they take away my shorts. What's next, my lucky fishing hat?" Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), sponsor of the original bill which was signed into law by the President yesterday, stated, "This is not a matter of public persecution, but of public safety. Do you realize we've had over 24,000 cases of hysterical blindness nationwide since this woman began showing off her deformed camel toe? Clearly, there are public health and decency issues here that trump her right to strut her rancid snatch around in front of innocent bystanders."

EU Says It's Too Early to Punish Iran

The European Union Said Friday that it's still much too early to punish Iran for it's recalcitrance toward demands that it suspend it's uranium enrichment program. "This is not the time or place for sanctions", Finnish Foreign Minister Erkki Tuomioja said after a meeting of the bloc's foreign ministers. "For the EU, diplomacy remains the No. 1 way forward. In any event, the haven't actually used nuclear weapons on anyone yet, have they? I mean, you can't very well arrest a man for shooting someone before he's even obtained the gun, can you?"

Jagger Enlists Teleprompter For Lyrics On-Stage

63-year old rocker Mick Jagger has begun enlisting the help of a teleprompter during live performances as a memory aid, which scrolls through the lyrics of the songs in time with his singing, and even reminds him of the city he's performing in and cues up his between song ad-libs. "He’s running all over the stage but if he gets a memory blank he can get back to the screen quickly,” a Stones source said. “He rarely needs it but it’s a back-up.” In addition, bandmate Keith Richards has also adopted the teleprompter, which he uses to remind himself which planet he's on, and in which pocket he's stashed his heroin.

Al Gore Attacks Global Warming

Al Gore jumps into the path of an oncoming hurricane in an attempt to stave off one of the effects of Global warming and save mankind.

Labor Day Weekend Driving Alert

It's Labor Day weekend again, and once again, we're being warned about the dangers of drunk driving. So, as a court-mandated public service, we are offering our First Annual Labor Day Weekend Drunk Driving Alert to the following locations:
Rhode Island - Keep a wary eye out for Patrick Joseph Kennedy, who resides in your area, and was recently involved in a drunk driving incident in Washington D.C.
Maryland - Be on the lookout for Mark Kennedy Shriver, who is known to live in your area and may be on the road this weekend.
Miami, Florida - Residents of Miami may have more water related mayhem to worry about than just Hurricane Ernesto, as Anthony Paul Kennedy Shriver lives in your area, and may, like the rest of his family, suffer from KDS (Kennedy Driving Syndrome).
Santa Monica, California - Consider yourself warned. You have both a large body of water (the Pacific Ocean) and Robert Sargent Shriver (a known Kennedy) in your area, a combination that has historically proven to be disastrous.
Boston, Massachusettes and outlying areas - You should probably lock yourselves deep inside your homes this weekend, as both Edward Moore Kennedy (involved in several drunk driving incidents, including one resulting in a fatality) and Joseph Patrick Kennedy II, are both known to reside in your areas. Stay away from all bridges and bodies of water, and seriously consider hiding out on at least the seventh or eighth floor of a high rise building.

California Leads Fight Against ManBearPig

California took the lead today in U.S. efforts to fight ManBearPig, the creature that is claimed by failed Democratic Presidential hopeful Al Gore to be the greatest threat facing mankind today. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is hopeful that his state's efforts will prod a reluctant Federal Government to take additional action in this area. "What will we tell our grandchildren when they ask why we didn't stop ManBearPig while we had the chance?" the Governor asked in today's press conference. "Our inaction will create a world where all will live in terror, the terror of ManBearPig." Democrat Nancy Pelosi was quick to add "If ManBearPig were Muslim, this administration would spare no expense to bring him down."Administration response was swift and characteristically violent. Press Secretary Tony Snow stated, "With all the terrible things going on in the world, the war in Iraq, North Korea and Iran attempting to build nuclear weapons, terrorists trying to blow up passenger jets, and all these guys can get worried about is some theoretical future danger from a non-existant creature, made up by a madman in order to gather attention for himself so he can get beaten in '08 by some moron like John McCain." He then pulled a tire iron out from behind his podium and began savagely beating reporter Helen Thomas, who was too senile to really notice.

DNC to Build Time Machine to Crush Opponents

The Democratic Party has announced today that it will be teaming up with the scientific community in a two pronged attack on what it called the ‘roots of discrimination’ and the Republican Party. According to Howard Dean, head of the DNC, such an effort is not only necessary but “vital to the direction of this country.” Once initiated, the first ‘prong’ of the attack is to go back to the founding of the nation in order to ensure that “dead white males” not be allowed to form a “racist and discriminatory policy of exclusion” Dean will chair a commission that will pick a representative sample of women, minorities and white, upper income democratic lawyers and/or consultants to redraft the Constitution at its inception. Once this effort is in place, the second prong will involve what Dean has described as “revenge” against the “blatantly racist” administration. He will, according to sources close to the DNC, go into the future to seek out and find the giant robot dinosaurs that he reportedly “knows are there.” Once brought back, they will be trained to seek out and destroy Bush and his loyalists. According to one anonymous source, the plan has obsessed Dean to the point where he can be heard around the offices of the DNC muttering “they want to be Dinosaurs on legislation, I’ll show them Dinosaurs!” A fundraiser will be held in New Hampshire on Sept. 11th hosted by Susan Sarandon and featuring the sweet soul stylings of Tim Robbins.

Lockheed Wins Bid For Lunar Death Trap

NASA today awarded aerospace contractor Lockheed-Martin with the contract to build the Orion Lunar Exploration Vehicle, which they hope can replace the aging fleet of Enterprise class Space Shuttles within 10 years. The Orion design abandons the winged configuration of the older shuttle, and returns to the older Apollo style capsule shape, a design that NASA feels can kill astronauts far more efficiently. This new design carries over the unreliable and fragile heat shielding system from the old vehicle, while adding a few new twists, such as a high explosive package hidden within the vehicle's frame that can be set to randomly detonate during the course of a mission. When asked why they were now trying to deliberatly kill off their astronauts, project manager Skip Hatfield stated "We've noticed that our TV ratings tend to go up significantly immediately after space accidents. In fact, the number one complaint from the public seems to be a lack of advanced notice before the event, making it impossible for them to easily Tivo it. We are simply catering to the desires of our employers, the American public. This will also ensure good ratings for every launch, as viewers will know an explosion is coming, but they won't know exactly when. The advertising revenue from NASA TV alone will more than pay for the replacement of both the vehicles and the crew." In an unrelated story, NASA also announced today an unspecified collaberative project with several Las Vegas casino owners, including multi-millionare Steve Wynn.
Posted by Rick on August 31, 2006 6:52 PM Permalink

Pat Buchanan Snaps; Shoots Up Taco Bell

Former CNN commentator and would-be Republican Presidential candidate Patrick Buchanan went on a shooting spree at a local Taco Bell restaurant earlier today, killing 6 and injuring 20. "It was horrible!", one witness reported. "He just kept shooting and yelling 'Go back to Mexico, you damn spics!'. It was crazy. Especially since everyone in the place was white." Democratic National Commitee Chairman Howard Dean was quoted as saying, "This is just another example of the Republican culture of corruption. We let the conservatives get out of control with their hate mongering, and next thing you know, they're killing innocent women and minorities." Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman responded to this accusation by stating that Pat Buchanan is neither a Republican, nor a Conservative. "He wandered way off the reservation years ago. He can call himself a conservative, he call call himself Third Emperor of the Intergalactic Federation for all I care, it doesn't make it true. Come to think of it, I'm not sure what the hell he is. I'd also like to point out that if the victims of this tragic attack had been allowed to openly carry firearms, such as sub-machine guns and flame-throwers, this infortunate incident never would have happened. Probably."