Thursday, October 29, 2009

Sponsor a Dumbass

What the hell is wrong with Natalie Portman? After watching her wooden performances in the new Star Wars trilogy, I would have guessed Dutch Elm Disease. Apparently I was wrong: she’s a pompous blowhard lefty.

And now she’s just converted to veganism, the idiot stepsister to vegetarianism. Which is fine. If she wants to make that choice for herself, whatever. I have no problem with the lifestyle choices of others, as long as they keep them out of my face. Unfortunately, she’s decided to become a Vegan Activist, a category that occupies the lowest rung on the ladder of human existence, along with neo-nazis, 9/11 truthers, furries, and people who dress up like Klingons.

A few years ago, internet super genius Maddox wrote one of the all time great rants about vegetarianism and veganism, where he came up with the idea of “Sponsoring a Vegetarian.”

What does it mean to sponsor a vegetarian? It means that you have to find someone in your life who's a really big pain in everyone's ass every time you want to go out to eat, and then you commit yourself to eating THREE times the amount of meat you'd normally consume to make up for all the meat that your vegetarian buddy isn't eating. It's that simple! That way, you can reverse the guilt trip that they've been laying on us for years by not only neutralizing their cause, but making it actually worse by eating more animals than would have ever been eaten had they not chosen to become vegetarians!

An incredible vicious and evil idea, which is why I like it.

So, anyway, she’s now decided that she’s going to become an activist, spreading the news of the “superiority” of her lifestyle to everyone, and thus become even more of an insufferable ass in the process, which I didn’t even think was possible. (For further reading about just how “superior” her guiltless lifestyle choice is, I offer another Maddox masterpiece: Guiltless Grill.)

So, because her insufferable arrogance and stupidity has managed to set me off during a time when I happened to be looking to be set off about something, I am now officially sponsoring Natalie Portman. I realize that this means nothing in the cosmic scheme of things: I’m an internet nobody, and she’s a world famous actress, carved from the finest maple, but so what. In my own small way, I’m helping to wreck her little BS cause. She may think she’s making some sort of beautiful contribution to gaia, or some such BS; meanwhile, I’m here in the shadows, silently negating everything she’s doing. And then some.

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