Monday, September 18, 2006

Terrorist Protests Theft

An Islamic terrorist protests efforts by Pope Benedict XVI to steal his teeth. “The infidel Pope snuck into my tent this very morning and stole many of my teeth from my very mouth”, stated the disgusting, murderous monster. “Only my sudden awakening spared the remaining teeth from this theftitude. He then left with my most beloved goat, Asha, who has comforted me through the darkest hours of jihad. He must die in the most violent manner possible for this injustice. Also for insulting the prophet.”

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Gather Weapons And Ammo

I'm not sure what to make of this, but it's certainly got my attention.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Bigfoot Sighting In Florida

A local resident has reported a big foot sighting in Miami, Florida this week, by far the furthest south of any reports of the mysterious beast. "I was out in the neighborhood walking my dog, and it just jumped out of the tree at us.", the resident stated. "It started growling and howling in the most unearthly way you can imagine. Then it grabbed my poor dog and ran off with it." The body of the missing dog was later recovered in a back alley about three blocks from the location of the sighting, with several large bites taken out of it. If you see this large creature, do not attempt to approach it, and notify the local authorities immediately.

B16 In Tha House!

Pope Benedict 16 has rattled the monkey cage with an announcement made yesterday, where he quoted from a book recounting a conversation between 14th-century Byzantine Christian Emperor Manuel Paleologos II and a Persian scholar on the truths of Christianity and Islam. "The emperor comes to speak about the issue of jihad, holy war," Benedict said. "He said, I quote, 'Show me just what Muhammad brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached.'" Foreign Ministry spokeswoman Tasnim Aslam said, and I swear to god I am not making this up, “Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence,” Indubitably.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Ann Richards no longer looking for Silver Feet in orifices

Well, I will refrain from taking a cheap shot at the recently departed. I will also refrain from suggesting we change the title of this blog. Ann Richards is dead, someone who set the tone for the Democratic Party in the eighties and nineties with her mocking of George Bush at the Democratic National Convention. When she said that he was born with a "sliver foot in his mouth" or whatever she said, it was pithy, it gave renewed energy to her party which then went about celebrating by getting its teeth kicked in in November. In the Clinton Years, the mantle was handed down. In that case, the pithiness was dished out by Bill Clinton himself, who gave his party renewed vigor, focus and energy so that they too could carry on the semi-annual tradition of getting their collective asses handed to them at every level of government, thus ensuring a Republican majority of Governors, State Houses and Congressional Representation for decades. Here’s to Ann Richards, a Texas Governor who had the privilege of also being beaten by a Bush.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Clinton, New Interns Getting Along Famously

Former President Bill Clinton has recently added two new interns to his staff. Reports are that they have developed a very good working relationship. "These two gals really know their way around an office", remarked the former President. "I'm expecting really big things out of them." The new staff members seem equally pleased with the working relationship. "I know he has a reputation with the ladies, especially with interns", said one, "but I haven't seen anything like that. He's just a real stand up guy. A real straight shooter." "Yeah," added the intern in the blue dress, "Sometimes working with someone with that sort of reputation can leave a real stain on your record, but I'm certain that this will be a real positive experience, for all three of us."

Carter Hopes Lieberman Pulls A "Carter"

Supreme loser and most ex of ex-Presidents Jimmy Carter today stated that he hopes Joe Lieberman (I-Conn) loses his Senate seat to challenger and Democratic nominee Ned Lamont. He also added that he hopes that former Senator Bob Dole burns in hell for shilling for Viagra, which , he said "Just isn't working for me. I keep taking dose after dose, but it doesn't seem to help, and I've wasted a fortune on the stuff."

Non-Muslim Commits Murder

In a shocking twist, an armed, non-muslim male walked into a Montreal College and opened fire, killing one woman, and injuring 19 others before being killed himself by police. The Council on American-Islamic Relations issued a press release condeming the young man for his blatant and outright theft of copyrighted methods and techniques. "He's clearly just a wannabe. A copycat, at best", stated a CAIR representative. "Our lawyers will be in touch with his next of kin, I can assure you."

Target Of Opportunity

The Non-alligned nations are converging on Havana, Cuba for a meeting to demand that the UN redefine terrorism to include the actions of the United States in Iraq, and Israel in Lebanon. If President Bush and the officers in charge of our nuclear arsenal are having difficulty finding the exact co-ordinates of Havana, I'd be happy to look them up. Just trying to help.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Phoning Home

A so-called 9/11 "truther", attempting to recieve further instuction from his alien masters, adjusts the the frequency range on his home-made illudium-pu-36 explosive space modulator. Marvin the Martian was unavailable for comment.

Strong Argument For Retroactive Abortion

So-called 9/11 "Truthers" loiter around Ground Zero during the commemoration ceremony. Moments later, they were ripped to pieces by angry cops and firefighters, grieving widows, and others who actually work for a living.


This is the man I voted for in '00 and '04. Visiting Ground Zero the other day must have re-energized him. He should go back there more often. It's awesome to see him destroy Matt Coward like a rottweiler shaking a stuffed animal in his mouth.

Monday, September 11, 2006

WTC new footage

On this Sept. 11th, some new WTC footage on Revver appeared. Remember that if there is absolute evil, logically there can also be absolute good, and Sept. 11th gave us both.

Never Forget, Lest You Forgive

"Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there"

Friday, September 8, 2006

Conservative group airs pro-Bush ad

A conservative group yesterday released a pro War on Terror commercial warning that critics ot the war in Iraq "would cut and run in the Middle East, leaving al-Qaida to attack us again." Democratic response was swift. "How dare you question our patriotism!" replied DNC chairman Howard Dead, as he set fire to an American flag. "Dissent is patriotic! Thomas Jefferson said so! That makes us the most patriotic party in American history!", he said, as he twisted a nail into a voodoo doll dressed like a US Marine.

Trivia Question

Q.: Why is it wrong to question a Democrat's patriotism?

A.: Because they might cry.

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Everyone Has Aids!

Apparently Team America Had it Right. Is this the only thing that they could come up with for a slogan? It pretty much stinks of a PC/Committee decision rather than something that will actually help. How about something more subtle like: STOP HAVING SEX WITH EVERYTHING THAT MOVES! IF YOU DO, YOU DIE! DON"T EXPECT MOMMY TO BAIL YOUR ASS OUT NOW!P.S.: Let me be the first spoil-sport to say I do not have AIDS. I guess by their logic, no one has AIDS, so what's the problem?

New and Improved Joker Products!

The media, in their never-ending quest to find fresh, up-to-the-minute "groovy" and "personality-lite" news readers, have now given the viewing public what they have been wishing for even if they never knew it. This fresh face of course is Nicholson's Joker. That being said, after its first week of perky news, Castro Burn in Hell would like to extend its Congratulations to the New Face of CBS News:

Editorial: Why We Must Build a Bridge to the 21st Century

As the greatest living president that sprouted his presidency between two Bushes, Clinton's legacy is clear: build a bridge to the 21st Century! Sure, you might say, the 21st century is already here, and this bridge was just a metaphor to get him elected, but what better way to celebrate the accomplishments of the first President to get an Impeachment Hummer than an empty cry for action such as the one above? The Go-Go 90's have been replaced with the dim, bloody afterglow of an Al Queda buggering, but why let that stop us! Don't stop thinking about tomorrow! I have seen the future brother, and it is burgers, as in a tasty ones that will be served in the roadside shack next to the Whitewater Elephant that we will build with government money. My proposed boondoggle will be as high as the eye can see and surrounded by strip joints and ATM machines to replicate the legacy of government that he has left behind. I propose, right here, right now a two-billion dollar expansion that will come into effect immediately upon completion of the primary structure to ensure that the "bridge" to the 21st Century never achieves completion, much like his legacy. Come on, send in money now! I got the fever!

General Fidelio Franco Castro is Still Alive!

In Castro news, Fidel is still alive, despite the best efforts of the syphilis inducing insanity. The insanity wears well on him, methinks. Perhaps with Friends like this, he and the Democratic party that worships him might make that new Utopian world after all.

Editorial: Spider-Man Can't Save Us This Time

We face a dark moment in human history. Terrorists are on the rampage. Iraq and Afganistan are in turmoil. Iran is woking on nukes. North Korea probably already has them. The media is completely out of control, dancing wildly at the end of the string held by the corrupt and increasingly dangerous Democratic Party. Our leadership is confused and the people are demoralized. In these desperate times, a million voices cry out in terror, screaming, "Help us, Spider-Man!"Sadly, I must suddenly silence those million voices. Spider-Man can't help you now. Ditto Superman, Batman, hell, even Aquaman can't help, and no one even wants his help anyway. None of your old time comic book heroes will come to your rescue now. "Why?", you ask. "How is it that these steadfast defenders of life and liberty, who held our hand through the darkest of times in the past, have deserted us so thouroghly now?" The answer is simple: Superhero Unions. When the leadership of the superhero unions realized that their union members weren't getting paid for their services, they forced a strike. Why do you think all these problems have suddenly appeared, anyway? Evil senses vulnerability, just as any animal does. Our guard is down, so it's time for them to strike."Well, that's all well and good", you say, "but what should we do to save ourselves?" We have several options, of course. We can go on the defensive, withdrawing all our troops back home, securing the borders and hunkering down, while our government tries vainly to keep the unholy invaders at bay. Or, we could go on the offensive to the extreme, bombing those who oppose us indescriminately, crushing all resistance, and letting the rubble sort itself out. As appealing as this option sounds to the average man on the street, I have to council a third way: Patience. Stay the course, and bide our time. Sooner or later, the Battlestar Galactica will find Earth, and when she does, it's gonna be on! Those vipers will be like, "voom, pow-pow-pow, bang!" The scummy jihadists won't stand a chance. "Oh, sure," you say, "But then we'll still have to deal with the Cylons." To which I say pishaw! The Cylons are nothing. What are they, a bunch of pansy male robots, and a bunch of hot, horny female robots, desparate to get themselves pregnant. Well, I have a plan for that, too....

Cindy Sheehan: Time-Travelin' Assassin

Deranged anti-war fungus Cindy Sheehan will be releasing her new book, "Peace Mom", on September 19th, sullying the official release date of the Battlestar Galactica Season 2.5 DVD box set. Revealed in her book: she has fantasized about going back in time and killing the infant George W. Bush, thereby preventing the Iraq War. The Secret Service so far has no comment. However, when asked about it at a press conference yesterday, President Bush replied, "That's an interesting idea. I wonder if that would really work. It'd be interesting to try that out, but of course, we can't, because as everyone knows, time travel is impossible.The government doesn't have any sort of time machine at it's disposal, and any suggestion to the contrary is just careless speculation."In an unrelated story, former White House Press Seceratry Scott McClellan competely ceased to exist this morning. All records of his existence have disappeared, and the local police department has shown no interest in investagating the matter. When contacted for comment, McClellan's parents replied, "Scott who?"

The Homos Surrender To The Pansies

ABC, surrendering to pressure from the Democratic party, as well as numerous left wing special interest groups, has decided to make changes to its upcoming docudrama "The Path To 9/11", which apparently is very unflattering to failed former President Bill Clinton. It's also rather unflattering to current President George W. Bush, but nobody seems to be protesting that. Apparently, several Democratic Senators have hinted darkly that ABC's broadcast license might be placed in jeapordy if they don't comply with their demands. As fomer rap star Ice-T used to say "Freedom of speech, just watch what you say."

Iranian Leader Set To Play Into Our Hands

Iranian President Ahmadinejad today stated that he intends to speak at the United Nations General Assembly on September 19th, the same day that President Bush will be speaking there. "We are ready for a debate with the Americans at the U.N. General Assembly" Ahmadinejad stated, "the American side can even take part in the debate side by side with his advisors, and as a full team, if they wish so." President Bush responed to this by saying "Heh-heh. Sucker." White House Press spokesman Tony Snow elaborated on the President's comments by pointing out that "New York is a crazy, crazy place. All kinds of interesting and unexpected things can happen there, so it'll be interesting to see how this one plays out." He then chambered a round into his .45, and added, "Personally, I'm looking forward to meeting with the little guy."

You Mean Polls Aren't Accurate?

The Connecticut Post Online - Pollster guilty of fake data conspiracyMakes one wonder just how many other polling companies are using questionable data.

Cyborg Dolphin Attacks On The Rise

The number of attacks by cybernetically enhanced dolphins may be on the rise soon. Florida scientists are attempting to create an artificial tail for an injured dolphin that was rescued off the coast of Cape Canaveral after his recent crash landing. Mark Goldblat, head of the research team involved, stated "We CAN rebuild him. We HAVE the technology. We can make him better, stronger and faster." Not everyone agrees, however. Some tax payer groups are balking at the six million dollar price tag.

France Rejects War On Terror

France today issued a direct critisim of the War on Terror, prefering instead to engage in what Prime Minister Dominique de Villan called "The War of Surrender" The statement was delivered by the Prime Minister from underneath his desk, after having recieved a phone call from an unknown source, which left De Villan sobbing and shaking with fear.

Harvard Dean Plays To Type

The dean of Harvard University's John F. Kennedy School of Government recently defended the decision to allow Mohammad Khatami to speak on the eve of Sept. 11, saying that we need to have a dialog with those who would butcher us in much the same way that a child might unsuccessfully attempt to reason with the neighborhood bully.The bully, who still has Dean David Ellwood's lunch money, was unavailable for comment.

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

A final word on Steve Irwin

Whoever had "Death by Singray" in the office pool sure cleaned up.

Monday, September 4, 2006

Puppet Theatre

Word is that broadcasters are nervous about showing a documentary on Set. 11th for fear that it might offend the FCC. Apparently, they had the "guts" and artistic integrity to show Janet Jackson's nipple and now the poor broadcast networks won't risk a fine for a Sept 11th remembrance. Am I being cynical or does this have a whiff of liberal justification/lesson in equivalency? As in, "nah nah, you fine us for something as pure and beautiful as a black woman's nipple but now the shoe is on the other foot and we can't (as much as we'd love to) show this for fear' of offending the mighty FCC...We especially feel bad if we can't show something that everyone knows might help out you guys" In other words, the Dems are wimps on this particular political subject so any remembrance will likely boost the Republicans So sorry about that-- we can't do it... In other news, CBS will be broadcasting a sanitized version of the Tiennamen square massacre done with hand puppets called "The Day the Honorable People's Republic Opened the World's Eyes to the Criminal Student Demonstrations" (CBS: We hope that the FCC won't be offended and especially do not want our friends in the billion strong market of China to look on us with wary eyes...

Anann Advises Iran To Rethink Nuclear Ambitions

United Nations Seceratry General Kofi Anann was in Iran this week to try to convince Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to rethink his country's nuclear ambitions. "I warned him about uranium enrichment", stated Anann, "and pointed out to him that plutonium-based weapons are much more versatile than uranium-based ones, and can be boosted to higher yields with the injection of a small amount of tritium to the warhead's core. He appeared to be genuinely interested in what I had to say, and seemed to take it to heart. With any luck, we should see great progress in this area soon."

CBS News To Change Host, Name

Third-ranked CBS News, in an attempt to improve its ratings and re-find its focus after the institutionalization of former anchor Dan Rather, will be starting it's new anchor tommorow evening. Katie Couric, who gained fame as co-anchor of NBC's "Today Show", will take the helm for the ailing "CBS Evening News", which will be offcially renamed "Everybody Loves Katie". Tommorw's premiere, which has been trumpeted by CBS for several months now, will feature Ms. Couric charming snakes, bending steel bars, and, in the climatic finale, saving the entire west coast from being crashed into the sea by her arch nemisis, Lex Limbaugh.

Sunday, September 3, 2006

Klan Holds Victory Celebration In Gettysburg

The World Knights of the Ku Klux Klan held a victory rally and celebration at the Gettysburg National Memorial in Pennsylvania today, after discovering that one of their remaining 30 members still had several of his teeth. The celebration was short-lived however, as it was discovered that the four teeth weren't actually in his head, but preserved in a mason jar filled with moonshine whiskey, made from a special familiy recipie handed down through the generations and revealed to him by his father, who is also his uncle, his brother, his great-great grandfather, and his thrid cousin.

Al-Qaida Loses Yet Another No. 2 Man

The vaugely competent international terrorist organization known as Al-Qaida lost yet another second in command today in Iraq, a position that is getting harder and harder to fill for the beleaugered group. Hamed Jumaa Farid al-Saeedi, known as Abu Humam or Abu Rana, or Abu al-Saeedi, or Farid Jumaa, and occasionally as Aunt Jemima, but who we will simply refer to as Flounder in order to save space, was captured north of Baghdad a few days ago "along with another group of his aides and followers," Mouwafak al-Rubaie, who will be known as Butt-Munch, said. "I should have been suspicious," Flounder stated, " When they asked me to put on this red shirt, and had me beam down to the planet with both Kirk and Spock. I should have saw that one coming. At least I didn't get turned into a small styrofoam cube like the last guy."A senior coalition official told the Associated Press that coalition forces were involved in Flounder's arrest, although the official would not characterize what role they played, as he was far too busy poking at Flounder through the bars with a stick and laughing at him.

Death Race 2008

In presidential news, Hillary Clinton is reportedly mulling whether to run in 2008 again as the not-so-dark-horse Stepford Candidate. Apparently, she seems to be leaning toward concentrating her efforts on leading her party in the Senate. In similar news, I also am thinking of not running in 2008 because, well I will be concentrating my efforts on publishing hackneyed, snaky and only somewhat thought-out web posts.
As for good old Al Gore, he seems to be trying to get the bat shit crazy insane vote going --which as we all know holds a lot of sway in Democratic Party. He claims not to be running, but who knows if the world will call him into action? It is, after all, dying because of people who fly around the world burning fossil fuels to promote their movies...oops, wasn't supposed to say that part, was I? yet still, I can see him sitting around in his den, puffing on a pipe with nothing in it, gazing at all the humanitarian awards that his family got for pumping their Tobacco proceeds into good cases and speaking to the photos of his dead ancestors: “No, I tell you I am NOT running! I said it once and I’ll say it again….what? The World is DYING? I can’t let this thing pass! I must run!” Before ripping off his shirt to reveal a GORE 2008 T-shirt that he has been wearing under his suit ever since the night that the Supreme court bitch slapped him into irrelevancy. No less crazy are the Johns of the Democratic establishment, Kerry and Edwards, polling rather well in the most recent surveys. My guess is that at some point before the primaries, they will merge into one being, producing some mutant creature with Edwards’ hair, Kerry’s three-foot long face and Theresa's, ahem, "continental" accent, consuming Brill Cream and Pinot Noir at a heroic rate.
As for the Republican side, Mitt Romney seems to be making some headway in convincing people that he is suitable for the office. The effects of his Mormon beliefs on the electorate seems to be some kind of open question among pundits. No word on whether Democrats would have a problem with a Catholic President whom we all know would answer to a foreign power. In any case, it is too early to go into all the nuances, seeing as how its FRICKIN' 2006! My hope is to keep y'all updated every week until you are as sick of the Presidential Race starting this early as I am.

Are Muslims The New Jews? Or Just Bad News?

In an article today in the San Francisco Chronicle, Paul Silverstein, an anthropology professor at Reed College in Oregon who studies the intersection of race, immigration and Islam, makes the claim that "Muslims are the new Jews. They're the object of a series of stereotypes, caricatures and fears which are not based in a reality and are independent of a person's experience with Muslims." The funny thing is, though, I don't reacall Mein Kampf being a bestseller amongst the Jews in Nazi Germany, so I guess the analogy isn't exactly airtight. In any cae, it does lead me to wonder if they think they'll be the victims of the next Final Solution, and if the Germans will be providing experienced technical advice and assistance.

Nude Teens Raising Eyebrows, Other Things In Vermont

Teens in the small Vermont town of Brattleboro have a new fad: disrobing in public, baring their bodies in a downtown parking lot, encircled by the backs of bookstores, coffee shops and restaurants. "It's just an act of freedom," said 19-year-old Adhi Palar. "We're just doing so because we can."In an unrelated stroy, the small Vermont town of Brattleboro has suddenly found itself swarmed with tens of thousands of teen-aged boys from all across the country.

Saturday, September 2, 2006

Robot Liberals

A new Robot can taste wines and cheeses. It has yet to surrender to Germany. No word on whether the Democratic Party has attempted to court it as a possible constituent. Maybe they're waiting for it to move to the Hamptons. (My appologies to any wine sniffin' cheese eating REAL Americans out there--you never know.)

A Moment Athwart History

Well, it seems that everybody is putting in their two cents worth on whether the current “War on Terror “ can be analogized to anything else. Despite the recent spate of commentary from the administration on whether the opposing side are “appeasers” in the mold of Neville Chamberlain, Methinks that the War on Terror, while not exactly analogous to WW II can at least partially be transposed onto the current state of affairs. For example, I heard it said somewhere that if Iran is Nazi Germany, then Iraq might just as be Italy cira the 30’s. If so, the Iraq model, pre-invasion would have been--as Italy was--a model of a new order that might have challenged the prevailing hegemony if allowed to continue. If Mussolini’s Italy was a defiant ‘new model” on which Hitler later grafted a sort of Nordic mythological face, then Hussein (if allowed to continue) could have served as a sort of model for the Islamo-facist movement. In the opinion of many, he was already willing to borrow the language of Jihad, even if that language was fleshed out by acts of futile if symbolically important acts, such as sending money to the families of suicide bombers. Of course the only reason Hussein was doing so was to opportunistically graft the movement onto his ostensibly secular visage. Yet such actions demanded response, and for too long such a response was wanting. Such was the case with Italy and Germany. Taking the analogy further, Iran, once nuclearazed will be the new model, re-armed and industrialized 21st century Germany.
My one question on the matter is when this ultimately futile quest to turn back the clock to the thirteenth century will produce a twenty-first century Whittaker Chambers. When I ask this, I do not mean that he or she must be just a dedicated Muslim that is able to foresee the threat to the world that this new breed of fascism will inspire. What I will look for is someone among the ranks of the suicidal Muslims who is not only convinced of its perfect vision of the future, but sees it as an inevitability, yet one that is worth fighting against simply for the sake that it is wrong. Or, to paraphrase Chambers, someone convinced that he has ‘given up the winning side for the losing side.’ Only someone with that sort of conviction, I feel, will be able to speak the insane language of the Islamo-facists and inspire the movement to turn upon itself. Until then, we are stuck in this no-man’s land of secret alliances and curious questions about what this existential war really means.

From The Earth To The Moon-Bats

Wacki-bofacki Thom Hartman at the Common Dreams Newscenter has this article about how the confession and arrest of Mark David Karr for the murder of JonBennet Ramsey two weeks ago (which has since turned out to be a false confession, but a true nutbag), was timed to coinside with the revelation that "US District Court Judge Anna Diggs Taylor had rulled that George W. Bush and now-CIA Director Michael Hayden had committed multiple High Crimes, Misdemeanors, and felonies, both criminal and constitutional. If her ruling stands, Bush and Hayden could go to prison." Hartman feels that the timing of this, as well as several other simmilar supposed examples he lists in his article, are proof that somehow the Bush administration is manipulating the news media to cover up stories unfavorable to them by generating fake stories that detract attention. Here's a clue for you all: the reason nobody wants to touch this story is that no SANE member of the news media wants to go on record calling for the impeachment of the President based on a ruling that legal analysts on BOTH sides of the political aisle consider poorly argued and constitutionally shakey at best, by a judge who has, through repeated previous actions, shown herself to be an active partisan on the opposing side. a-DUUuuuUUHHHHH!!!

Sheehan Setback

Professional anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan wept openly today after being informed of a new federal law making it a felony for her to wear spandex shorts in public. "They're persecuting me, is all. First they take away my little Casey, now they take away my shorts. What's next, my lucky fishing hat?" Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), sponsor of the original bill which was signed into law by the President yesterday, stated, "This is not a matter of public persecution, but of public safety. Do you realize we've had over 24,000 cases of hysterical blindness nationwide since this woman began showing off her deformed camel toe? Clearly, there are public health and decency issues here that trump her right to strut her rancid snatch around in front of innocent bystanders."

Friday, September 1, 2006

EU Says It's Too Early to Punish Iran

The European Union Said Friday that it's still much too early to punish Iran for it's recalcitrance toward demands that it suspend it's uranium enrichment program. "This is not the time or place for sanctions", Finnish Foreign Minister Erkki Tuomioja said after a meeting of the bloc's foreign ministers. "For the EU, diplomacy remains the No. 1 way forward. In any event, the haven't actually used nuclear weapons on anyone yet, have they? I mean, you can't very well arrest a man for shooting someone before he's even obtained the gun, can you?"

Jagger Enlists Teleprompter For Lyrics On-Stage

63-year old rocker Mick Jagger has begun enlisting the help of a teleprompter during live performances as a memory aid, which scrolls through the lyrics of the songs in time with his singing, and even reminds him of the city he's performing in and cues up his between song ad-libs. "He’s running all over the stage but if he gets a memory blank he can get back to the screen quickly,” a Stones source said. “He rarely needs it but it’s a back-up.” In addition, bandmate Keith Richards has also adopted the teleprompter, which he uses to remind himself which planet he's on, and in which pocket he's stashed his heroin.

Al Gore Attacks Global Warming

Al Gore jumps into the path of an oncoming hurricane in an attempt to stave off one of the effects of Global warming and save mankind.

Labor Day Weekend Driving Alert

It's Labor Day weekend again, and once again, we're being warned about the dangers of drunk driving. So, as a court-mandated public service, we are offering our First Annual Labor Day Weekend Drunk Driving Alert to the following locations:
Rhode Island - Keep a wary eye out for Patrick Joseph Kennedy, who resides in your area, and was recently involved in a drunk driving incident in Washington D.C.
Maryland - Be on the lookout for Mark Kennedy Shriver, who is known to live in your area and may be on the road this weekend.
Miami, Florida - Residents of Miami may have more water related mayhem to worry about than just Hurricane Ernesto, as Anthony Paul Kennedy Shriver lives in your area, and may, like the rest of his family, suffer from KDS (Kennedy Driving Syndrome).
Santa Monica, California - Consider yourself warned. You have both a large body of water (the Pacific Ocean) and Robert Sargent Shriver (a known Kennedy) in your area, a combination that has historically proven to be disastrous.
Boston, Massachusettes and outlying areas - You should probably lock yourselves deep inside your homes this weekend, as both Edward Moore Kennedy (involved in several drunk driving incidents, including one resulting in a fatality) and Joseph Patrick Kennedy II, are both known to reside in your areas. Stay away from all bridges and bodies of water, and seriously consider hiding out on at least the seventh or eighth floor of a high rise building.