Thursday, August 31, 2006

California Leads Fight Against ManBearPig

California took the lead today in U.S. efforts to fight ManBearPig, the creature that is claimed by failed Democratic Presidential hopeful Al Gore to be the greatest threat facing mankind today. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is hopeful that his state's efforts will prod a reluctant Federal Government to take additional action in this area. "What will we tell our grandchildren when they ask why we didn't stop ManBearPig while we had the chance?" the Governor asked in today's press conference. "Our inaction will create a world where all will live in terror, the terror of ManBearPig." Democrat Nancy Pelosi was quick to add "If ManBearPig were Muslim, this administration would spare no expense to bring him down."Administration response was swift and characteristically violent. Press Secretary Tony Snow stated, "With all the terrible things going on in the world, the war in Iraq, North Korea and Iran attempting to build nuclear weapons, terrorists trying to blow up passenger jets, and all these guys can get worried about is some theoretical future danger from a non-existant creature, made up by a madman in order to gather attention for himself so he can get beaten in '08 by some moron like John McCain." He then pulled a tire iron out from behind his podium and began savagely beating reporter Helen Thomas, who was too senile to really notice.

DNC to Build Time Machine to Crush Opponents

The Democratic Party has announced today that it will be teaming up with the scientific community in a two pronged attack on what it called the ‘roots of discrimination’ and the Republican Party. According to Howard Dean, head of the DNC, such an effort is not only necessary but “vital to the direction of this country.” Once initiated, the first ‘prong’ of the attack is to go back to the founding of the nation in order to ensure that “dead white males” not be allowed to form a “racist and discriminatory policy of exclusion” Dean will chair a commission that will pick a representative sample of women, minorities and white, upper income democratic lawyers and/or consultants to redraft the Constitution at its inception. Once this effort is in place, the second prong will involve what Dean has described as “revenge” against the “blatantly racist” administration. He will, according to sources close to the DNC, go into the future to seek out and find the giant robot dinosaurs that he reportedly “knows are there.” Once brought back, they will be trained to seek out and destroy Bush and his loyalists. According to one anonymous source, the plan has obsessed Dean to the point where he can be heard around the offices of the DNC muttering “they want to be Dinosaurs on legislation, I’ll show them Dinosaurs!” A fundraiser will be held in New Hampshire on Sept. 11th hosted by Susan Sarandon and featuring the sweet soul stylings of Tim Robbins.

Lockheed Wins Bid For Lunar Death Trap

NASA today awarded aerospace contractor Lockheed-Martin with the contract to build the Orion Lunar Exploration Vehicle, which they hope can replace the aging fleet of Enterprise class Space Shuttles within 10 years. The Orion design abandons the winged configuration of the older shuttle, and returns to the older Apollo style capsule shape, a design that NASA feels can kill astronauts far more efficiently. This new design carries over the unreliable and fragile heat shielding system from the old vehicle, while adding a few new twists, such as a high explosive package hidden within the vehicle's frame that can be set to randomly detonate during the course of a mission. When asked why they were now trying to deliberatly kill off their astronauts, project manager Skip Hatfield stated "We've noticed that our TV ratings tend to go up significantly immediately after space accidents. In fact, the number one complaint from the public seems to be a lack of advanced notice before the event, making it impossible for them to easily Tivo it. We are simply catering to the desires of our employers, the American public. This will also ensure good ratings for every launch, as viewers will know an explosion is coming, but they won't know exactly when. The advertising revenue from NASA TV alone will more than pay for the replacement of both the vehicles and the crew." In an unrelated story, NASA also announced today an unspecified collaberative project with several Las Vegas casino owners, including multi-millionare Steve Wynn.
Posted by Rick on August 31, 2006 6:52 PM

Pat Buchanan Snaps; Shoots Up Taco Bell

Former CNN commentator and would-be Republican Presidential candidate Patrick Buchanan went on a shooting spree at a local Taco Bell restaurant earlier today, killing 6 and injuring 20. "It was horrible!", one witness reported. "He just kept shooting and yelling 'Go back to Mexico, you damn spics!'. It was crazy. Especially since everyone in the place was white." Democratic National Commitee Chairman Howard Dean was quoted as saying, "This is just another example of the Republican culture of corruption. We let the conservatives get out of control with their hate mongering, and next thing you know, they're killing innocent women and minorities." Republican Party Chairman Ken Mehlman responded to this accusation by stating that Pat Buchanan is neither a Republican, nor a Conservative. "He wandered way off the reservation years ago. He can call himself a conservative, he call call himself Third Emperor of the Intergalactic Federation for all I care, it doesn't make it true. Come to think of it, I'm not sure what the hell he is. I'd also like to point out that if the victims of this tragic attack had been allowed to openly carry firearms, such as sub-machine guns and flame-throwers, this infortunate incident never would have happened. Probably."

Rainbow Coalition Indeed

Congressman Darth Vader (D-CA), led a protest against the Bush administration and the war in Iraq in his home district in San Francisco today. After leading protesters in a repeated chant of "Bush lied, kids died", he stated that once the Democrats have regained control of the House, there would be major changes in how the President would be allowed to conduct foriegn policy, implying that the Democrats would have a greater role in it's formulation than in the past. Stated Vader, "You don't know the power of the dark side, dearie. We'll scratch your eyes out." Vader's constituants in the Castro district were elated. Said one, "Hey, sailor. We're just so happy to be represented by someone who understands us, who's one of us, and can relate to our concerns. Bush doesn't care about our concerns. He's pulled us into a war for oil, and yet prices for K-Y are going through the roof. Who besides Vader will stand up against these attrocities?" The owners of the K-Y Corporation were unavailable for comment.

So Does That Mean That Dead Is The New 60?

HealthDay is claiming that for baby boomers, 60 is the new 45. Truly, has there ever been a more immature and self-obsesesd generation as the boomers? Why can't they just grow old and die quitely, like their parents did? It never ceases to amaze me that the greatest generation could somehow spawn the lamest generation.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Anger leads to lessened lung function

According to a recent study, anger can lead to deterioration of the lungs. Ted Kennedy had this statement: "...Uh, well...uh (wheeze) yes, well (hacking cough that lasted approximately four and one half minutes) then (unintelligible)... what? Yes, F@#ing floozie..." Before choking on his own vomit and collapsing. It can be confirmed that paramedics were called to the scene.

Iran: Nuclear Weapons Only For Peaceful Purposes

Iranian President and former Bronson Pinchot impersonator Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that Iran was only seaking nuclear weapons for peaceful purposes. "We have no intention of using the weapons on the aggressor Israel." But Israeli Prime Minister Olmert disagrees. "I believe they will not hesitate to attempt an attack upon our country at their earliest opportunity," he stated in a press conference yesterday. "They will pay for their lies with death from above! They will pay for their crimes against Islam in the hell of the nuclear fire!" replied Ahmadinejad, quickly adding, "But not by our hand, of course, as Iran is a peaceful nation with only peaceful intentions."

In Other Hurricane News:

A "Dangerous John" will be heading into Mexico, touching the tip of Baja. All very Freudian if you ask me. In the mean time, Governor Schwarzenegger has called a press conference to distance himself from the President's handling of hurricane Katrina. He announced that he will be convening a blue ribbon panel to study whether the hurricane will target low income residents and minorities. "We cannot allow a hurricane to blatantly defy and/or undermine the significant hate crime legislation of California," said the heated governor. Minutes later, members of the press were given pamphlets that will be distributed in all soup kitchens throughout the State. The four page glossy sheets inform Californians what they can do in the case of a civil rights violation by the hurricane. The colorful pamphlet is narrated by a new cartoon creation, "Harry the Friendly and Unbiased, Gender-Neutral Hurricane" The hurricane, meanwhile, remained suspiciously silent on the matter of whether it would unduly target the poor.

The Mardi Gras Blame Game

...or how I learned to stop arguing logic and tell that hurricane that it must follow proper federal policy procedures
President Bush spent the one year anniversary of Katrina apologizing for a hurricane. Previously, hurricanes were usually reserved as "act of God" type occurrences. Recently--say about January of 2001--such disasters have been downgraded into the more mortal realm of policy decision making. Apparently, the President is now single handedly responsible for Hurricanes, but only the racist ones that target Blacks and low income residents. No word yet on who will be to blame when Hurricanes target the rich. My guess is that a liberal democrat will soon offer a panacea of Tax hikes on the wealthy so that the children will not have to suffer under Bush's oppressive hurricane season. Sure, they could go with the "global-warming-is-causing-super-Hurricanes" line of reasoning, but why not cut out the middle man and blame Bush or any other Republican directly. I mean it--they should just come out and say that the NSA is hiding photos of Bush smiling, straddling a hurricane, whipping it up with a big Cowboy hat and hollering "down with darkie!" It would be much more honest and a helluva lot more fun.

Gas Prices could drop to $2; Democrats Outraged

Gas prices are continuing to drop, and could be closer to the $2 mark than the $3 mark by Thanksgiving. Democrats responded to this news with outrage. "This must be a conspiracy on the part of the administration to turn the election in the Republicans favor." stated a Democratic operative who refused to be identified. "Next thing you know, they'll catch Bin Laden, and then we'll never get the house back. This is bullshit."

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Dennis Kucinich Escapes From Mental Institution

Congressman Dennis Kucinich (D-Zebulon B) escaped last night from the Florida Mental Instiution in which he had been "resting". "We aren't entirely sure how it happened," said Dr. Michael Stone, head of the Florida Institute for Psychiatric Research, "but he seems to have gnawed through his restraints, and escaped through a hole in the steel door to his "room". The door appeared to be melted, as if by a high powered laser."Kucinich is approximately 3' 6", about 95 pounds, with a light grey skin complexion, big black eyes, and may be wearing a hat made of aluminum foil. If anyone sees Congressman Kucinich, please contact your local authorities immediately. Make no attempt to approach or vote for him, as he is considered to be bat-shit crazy, and possibly contagious.

John Kerry Reveals Deep, Dark Secret

During a townhall meeting to discus the war in Iraq, Senator John Kerry (D-Mass) revealed today that he had been in Vietnam, a fact that he had somehow managed to keep secret for the past 35 years. Responding to this revelation, Kerry's wife Theresa stated, "I was shocked, really. I had no idea that he had even been in the military, let alone that he had served in Vietnam." Kerry emphasised that his experiences in uniform make him an ideal candiate for the presidency, and that he would run again in 2008, 2012, 2016, and every four years thereafter, until someone finally votes for him.

Let me be the first to call for....

SUV trigger locks. If this can happen in San Fransisco where they are one step short of door to door confiscation of guns (and presumably a place where everyone is safer for it) just imagine what he would have done in a Red State. On the other hand, I don't think he would have gotten past the first "redneck" with a line of sight...

Might've helped...

From a google image search, I found something that might help Dean. If he ever wants to draw attention from the aliens again like he did with that supersonic scream on Primary Night in New Hampshire, this should do the trick.

Rumsfeld asks Americans for 'patience' in Iraq

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld today asked for the continuing patience of the American people, stating that the situation in Iraq will soon change for the better."It's true that there have been many difficulties recently," stated Rumsfeld, "but this is due primarily to all the asshole terrorists that are still alive. We do have a plan to ramp up our efforts in this area, which we will be implementing shortly." Rumsfeld vowed to lead the troops into battle personally, swearing that "The streets will run red with the blood of those who oppose us."

Neato concept for a site, have not heard of it before now...

For all you musicologists. Sent to me by a friend in England. Try It gauges what you want to hear and turns it into a Radio Station that plays songs/Artists like the one you enter. Just started using it, but I already got a station going for “Rock Me Amadeus" which started with one of the B-sides from Falco 3 then moved on to an OMD song. Not sure what I was looking for, but that probably wasn't it.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Top Islamic Girl Group Visits Lebanon

Islamic girl group "Durka!Durka!Durka!" toured battle damaged Beruit today in an effort to boost spirits in that beleagured city. They were later executed for removing their veils in public. D3's hits include "Stone Me! Stone Me!" and "I'm So Sorry That You Raped Me (I'll Never Tempt You Again)". (AP Photo/Matt Dunham)

Great Discoveries!

While attempting in vain to subdue several Muslim Suicide Trees, U.N. troops inadvertantly discover the secret of fire. (AP Photo/Francois Mori)

Jesse Jackson Comes Out!

Civil rights leader Jesse Jackson outted himself today while visiting Damascus, expressing his undying love for Syrian Mufti Afmad Hassun. Jackson's wife and Hassun's goat were unavailable for comment. (AFP/File/Louai Beshara)

U.N. Troops Fly French Battle Flag

A French United Nations vehicle drives past a poster of Hizbollah leader Sayyed Hassan Nasrallah in Tyre, in southern Lebanon, August 26, 2006. REUTERS/Ammar Awad

Wave a white flag, put away the pistol, too many people just can't get kissed.But if there's nothing I can do to make amends, baby, I hope you don't murder me.-Elvis Costello

Castro Burns In Hell!

Ok, well maybe not. At least, not yet. He may soon, though. Who knows, he could already be dead, and we wouldn't even know about it. It's entirely possible that he's already dead, and his brother Raul is just keeping it under wraps until he manages to consolidate his power. He could be roasting and boiling in exquisite (and much deserved) agony even as we speak!

NEWS HEADLINES: Flash! General Fidelio Franco Castro Is Still alive!

Me thinks the beard is a resuscitation device, designed by a secret Soviet Plot in the 50's that involves the white blood cells of a twice felled, re-animated John F. Kennedy. Details will emerge that the Satanic Visage of Castro can cause lesions on the body that provide insight into the secrets of Venereal Disease. This also, by the way explains the state of Cuba's economy (Poor) and Health Care system (top notch, especially in treating VD and other possible sexually transmitted mutations that Castro may have picked up from street prostitutes.
In other news, George Bush recently bent steel tracks with his bare hands while lancing a volcano. The trains run on time and the poor indigenous peoples of Ecuador, where the Volcano was erupting, celebrate his birthday as a national Holiday. Thus, it becomes on this day 8-28-2006 that “Neoconservative” in the native Ecuadorian tongue, will hereby translate into "superhero" or to some in the outlying areas, "God of many Compassionate Guns"
Will update as time permits. That is all for now.

Saddam's New Favorite Movie

Looks like old Saddam has been getting some appropriate entertainment while in his cell.Maybe next we can show him Team America.