Wednesday, January 31, 2007

My Name Is…

Why is it that when I heard that some advertising publicity stunt for a cartoon had backfired and shut down the entire city of Boston, I somehow just KNEW it would involve Aqua Teen Hunger Force? Well, that almost paranormal level of perception on my part was dead on: A third party marketing company hired by Cartoon Network to do a guerilla marketing campaign for the show placed dozens of small, lit circuit-boards in ten different cities across the US, each emblazoned in lights with the shape of a character from said show. Why no one else said anything about them is somewhat of a mystery, but in Boston, somebody noticed one placed on a bridge, and, security concerns being what they are, thought it might be an explosive device. The authorities were notified, and the city was brought to a screeching halt as State and Local police, as well as officials from Homeland Security, investigated. Cartoon Network has issued an abject apology, which they have also been airing every half hour during their Adult Swim broadcast.
I’m kind of torn on how to feel about this. On the one hand, this was a pretty stupid thing to do, considering the times we live in. They probably should have notified local authorities before they set this up so as to not alarm anyone. That would kind of defeat the purpose of the whole “Guerrilla Marketing” thing, though. They’ve put an entire city on alert, and cost the tax payers millions of dollars, not to mention all the lost revenue from local businesses that couldn’t conduct business during the shutdown.
On the other hand, it’s IS pretty damn funny. And there are much worse things that the State of Massachusetts and the city of Boston could be spending tax dollars on than promoting Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Like everything else they spend tax dollars on, for example.
I think an appropriate response to this would be to force Cartoon Network to do one of two things: either pay all the costs associated with the disturbance that they created, or else come clean and publicly reveal just what the hell that damn show is about, for gods sake.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

The Lefty Phrase Book Vol. I

This is the first entry in a (hopefully) continuing series that lists popular euphemisms of the Looney Liberal Left, and exactly what they mean when they use them.

“Asians”: See Muslims

Christian: Savages who follow the religion of the oppressor.

Christianity: A religion of oppression and death, determined to stomp out all others in as violent a manner as possible.

Communist: Our over-enthusiastic and excitable colleagues on the extreme left. Term has been largely replaced. See Environmentalist.

Democracy: A sacred form of government that allows the people to choose who will lead them. Just so long as they choose us.

Environmentalist: See Communist

Extreme Right-Winger: Anyone who ridicules my beliefs.

Fascists: Those who disagree with us.

Islam: A religion of peace and love, with a pan-like love of the environment, that teaches respect and tolerance of all others.

Jews: Ancient victim of the vicious Christians, who have recently found themselves caught in the middle of the Christians’ extermination of the peaceful and childlike Muslims.

Muslim: Oppressed, wide-eyed innocents who practice a religion of peace and love.

Rape: Any form of heterosexual intercourse that doesn’t involve Bill Clinton.

Right-Winger: Anyone who doesn’t share my beliefs

“Tourists”: See Muslims

“Youths”: Young, rioting Muslims.

Zionist: An uppity Jew who doesn’t know which side his bread is buttered on.

Fun And Educational

Here’s a nice little primer about global warming and the cyclical patterns of the Earth’s climate over the past 160,000 years.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Miami also the place for the Alternative Super Bowl

Looks like Miami is setting up a big party at the Orange Bowl when Castro dies. May I be the first to ask if we at Castro Burn in Hell can be the official Sponsors of the party to end all parties?

Report Will Underscore The Dangers Of Global Warming

A new report from the International Panel on Climate Change will attempt to justify the panel’s existence, sources indicate, thus adding to the Global Warming Hysteria© running rampant among the news media. The panel, which consists primarily of scientists whose grants are dependant on the existence of global warming, has revealed that global warming does indeed exist, and may lead to the following potential catastrophes:
Ice cubes in soft drinks may melt at an accelerated rate, causing a Cascading Watered-down Soda Syndrome (known as CWSS).
The increased carbon dioxide in the atmosphere will lead to increased plant growth and a resulting increase in planet-wide food production, thus making it easier to feed more people. This situation could have a calamitous effect on the number of available grants in the field of Overpopulation Research, which could potentially put large numbers of population alarmists out of work.
The polar ice caps may melt, raising sea-levels world-wide, thereby giving Senator Ted Kennedy a larger area in which to park his car.
Rapper Ice-T may be forced to change his name to Hot-T
As you can see, the potential for disaster from global warming is unprecedented, and therefore justifies any and all measures to stop it from occurring, up to and including the trampling of the rights of life, liberty and property of every person on this planet. With the obvious exception of the environmentally anointed, who are way to busy saving us all to be bothered with having to make the same sacrifices that they are asking of all of us. But we should do as they say anyway, because, after all, they do know best. They’re so much smarter and wiser than all of us, and they only have our best interests at heart, it’s only right that we just roll over and do as we’re told

A Horse Is A Horse Of Course, Of Course, Unless It’s F’ing Dead

Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized today, due to complications from his injury at last years Preakness. "We just reached a point where it was going to be difficult for him to go on without pain," co-owner Roy Jackson said. "It was the right decision, it was the right thing to do. We said all along if there was a situation where it would become more difficult for him then it would be time."
The question remains, however, whether Barbaro would have been willing to put up with the pain if he knew that, if he survived, he would have been put out to stud. Would you be willing to put up with intense pain in your leg if it meant that you would be getting laid almost constantly? So would I.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Why Is It?

Why is it that we can’t forecast the weather for the next week with any level of accuracy, but we’re just certain what it’ll be like in 50 years?

Why is it that when someone like Hugo Chavez claims that a U.S. backed company is taping his phone calls, it justifies him getting a link on The Drudge Report, instead of him being fitted for a straight-jacket and a tin-foil hat?

Why is it that I even know Rosie O’Donnell’s name? Her stand-up career was basically a brutal cage match between her and Carrot Top over who was the least funny human ever born. Hitler was funnier than her, and at least he could paint.

Why is it that Robert Redford thinks that President Bush owes us all a big apology for the Iraq war, when Mr. Redford has yet to offer any sort of apology for “A River Runs Through It”, one of the gayest films ever made?

Why is it that many left-wingers (and some right-wingers, to be fair) haven’t yet figured out that covering the back of their car with political bumper stickers is a huge frickin’ eyesore, and only demonstrates to the whole world that their political beliefs are so simple-minded that they can easily fit on a bumper sticker?

Why is it that the neighborhoods with the biggest reputation for being “gay” are also the neighborhoods with the highest concentration of hybrid cars?

Why is it that liberals are so obsessed with evolution that they’ve practically made it into a religion, yet they blithely ignore the fact, which any evolutionary biologist will confirm, that the reason we had the necessary time and energy to become the most intelligent species on the planet is that we gave up on the vegetarian lifestyle and started eating meat? Vegetarianism is a rich, white person’s conceit, and veganism is vegetarianism’s retarded half-brother.

Why is it that we never take threats from our enemies seriously, but our allies every word is scrutinized for any hint of hostility toward our enemies?

Why is it that people on the left are even allowed to use the word “Orwellian”, when they are basically the very same people that Orwell was warning us about?

Why is it that new computers ship with the manual on CD-ROM instead of on paper? If the computer isn’t working, how am I supposed to find out how to resolve the problem if I need a working computer to read the manual?

Why is it that we can go days, weeks, even months without a drop of rain, but within three hours of washing my car, it’ll rain just enough to make it look dirty again? Anyone who answers “Global Warming” can go to the back of the class, thank you very much.

Why is it that the day I decide to bring my lunch to work and eat at my desk is the day when everyone decides to call during lunch? Does no one respect lunch anymore?

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Thus The Plan Begins

The Los Angeles Galaxy has completed phase one of its three phase process to make Soccer (also known as Metric Football) a popular sport in America. Their plan consists of the following phases:

Phase 1: Recruit the most popular and well known soccer player in the world, David Beckham, to play for their team.
Phase 2: ???????
Phase 3: Make Soccer a popular sport in America.

If you’re a little unclear on phase 2, that’s OK, so is everyone else. Some speculate that it may involve mass hypnosis, others think it may be a super-virus designed to turn all Americans gay, and still others think it may involve nuclear blackmail with a warhead smuggled into the US from the former Soviet Union by a little known local access cable TV host from Ventura County. Whatever the plan, you can be sure of one thing: It won’t work.

Beautiful Bit of Hypocrisy

Nice story on the new "progressive" Congress. Not sure if you can call it hypocrisy per se, because to be such, one has to have a control of truth or principle to work against. In brief, Nancy Pelosi is from San Francisco, American Samoa will be exempt from the minimum wage increase just passed by Ms. (I use that term looslely) Pelosi's congress; Starkist Tuna has a plant in San Francisco; Starkist Tuna is a major contributor to Nancy Pelosi; Starkist is now exempt because their headquarters is in American Samoa.
Presto Chango!
Hypocrisy par excellance!
Still, that being said, I am not against exempting companies from the minimum wage. After all, it is just a way of artificially inflating the cost of one type of raw material (labor). I would just like to see it expanded to American Companies as well--All of them.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

The President’s Address

President Bush has just finished his address to the nation where he describes the new way forward in Iraq. The plan is actually pretty simple: an increase in troop levels to deal with the increasing violence in the Baghdad area, to secure the Anbar province where al-Qaeda has been attempting to take over, and to secure the country’s borders with Iran and Syria. The additional troops in Baghdad will clear and hold the areas of the city where the terrorists are running rampant (as opposed to just clearing them and then moving on, thus allowing the terrorists to retake them after we’ve left).The troops on the borders will help stop the influx of terrorists and materials from Iran and Syria. And the lessening of purely political prohibitions on the rules of engagement will give the troops a freer hand in doing what needs to be done. It’s a well conceived plan.
Can it work? Yes.
Will it work? No.
The fatal flaw of the plan is that it doesn’t address the biggest threat of all, namely the huge network of allies and co-conspirators that the terrorists have built up in the media and in congress. There are simply too many people in positions of power in this country who have some sort of vested interest in seeing America lose.In days past, an atrocity committed by the enemy was seen as further confirmation of the justness of our cause, and served to strengthen the resolve of the people. In this bizarro world in which we now find ourselves, every atrocity committed by our enemy is blamed upon us. The ‘splody-dopes in the middle east have been killing each other in wholesale lots for thousands of years, but because we’re over there now, suddenly it’s all our fault. The only thing that’s changed there is that now they have cameras to record the carnage for broadcast. And the media in this country and throughout the world will re-broadcast that footage over and over, gradually weakening what little resolve they haven’t already managed to destroy in the American people, till the catcalls for retreat and defeat will become so loud, that even a man as stubborn as Bush won’t be able to fend them off. Congress will cut funding (they’re already making noises about not funding the plan the President is proposing as it is), Iraq will collapse, our troops will slink home with their tail between their legs, and the terrorists will follow them. The domestic terror attacks that all of us (well, most of us, anyway) have been dreading, and that have been absent for the last five years, will return anew.And we’ll have no one to blame but ourselves.

Singing Group Beaten After Singing National Anthem

Members of an A Capella singing group from Yale, visiting San Francisco for the New Years Eve celebrations, were savagely beaten by youths after singing “The Star Spangled Banner.” The attack happened outside the homes of two of prominent members of the police department. Although several of the attackers were detained and later released, there have been no arrests so far. Interestingly, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who represents the San Francisco area, has done nothing about this incident. How long will it take for the Democrat leadership in Washington to admit that we’ve lost the war in San Francisco? The time has come to pull our people out of this quagmire.

Tuesday, January 9, 2007

Our Grandparents Would Be Rolling Over In Their Graves, If They Were Dead

So let me get this straight: it’s been five years, three months, and twenty-nine days since the World Trade Center was destroyed by terrorists, and in that time, all we’ve managed to accomplish in terms of rebuilding is to stick a solitary steel girder into the ground. And we’re STILL fighting over the design for the replacement. Do you think that if the Germans or the Japanese had managed to knock down the Empire State Building at the start of WWII, within five years our grandparents wouldn’t have had it rebuilt, brick for brick, just the way it was before the attack? They wouldn’t have wasted time arguing over “footprints”, or “open spaces” or a “memorial park”. And any of them that did would have been ignored, because our grandparents would have understood that the people making those arguments were pussies.So how did we become such a bunch of pussies?

Rebuild the goddamned thing, just like it was.


That stands for ‘Religion of Peace, My Ass!”, in case you were wondering. So what exactly is inspiring today’s outburst of intolerance, you ask? Try these:


Also here.

This one, too.

Sunday, January 7, 2007

Democrats Planning To Do What They Do Best

Raise taxes, that is. In order to pay for their theoretical tax cut for middle income families, the Democrats are looking at various schemes, including raising taxes on the wealthy (which they say are people making over $500,000 a year, but knowing them, it’ll probably drop to those making $60,000 a year), and cutting wasteful spending. How much do you want to bet that among the things they consider to be wasteful spending will be military spending (in a time of war, no less)? How much do you want to bet that they’ll push through these tax increases and spending cuts first, and then come up with an excuse for not actually passing the tax cuts? How much do you want to bet that they’ll then end up using the extra money they’ve taken in to fund some really stupid new federal entitlements, like welfare and free health care for Palestinians, or something. Not that I think the Republicans are much better on this front. If they had that kind of extra money, they’d probably use it to build a bridge between Alaska and Siberia or something.

Saturday, January 6, 2007

Israel Plans To Give Nukes To Iran The Old Fashioned Way

By using them. Secret plans have been drawn up by the Israeli Government to nuke Iran’s uranium enrichment sites using tactical nuclear weapons, the Sunday Times of London is going to report. I would ask the obvious follow up question “If they’re secret, then how does th Times know”, except we’ve already been down that road before with other newspapers called The Times, haven’t we?
Personally, I hope they do it. I hope they film the whole thing and play it on Pay-Per-View. I’ll pay to see it. Just so long as the US doesn’t do something stupid afterwards, like drop it’s support for Israel.

Is The Army Trying To Enlist The Dead?

The US Army routinely sends out letters to officers no longer serving to encourage them to re-enlist. However, in the last batch of letters sent, were 75 sent to officers who had been killed in combat. The Army has apologized for this, stating that it made a clerical error, but is that really the truth? Could it be a cover story to prevent discovery of a secret plan to employ the un-dead as an ultimate weapon? For all our sakes, I hope not. The Army should keep in mind that the undead are notoriously unreliable, being just as likely to vote Democrat as to eat the enemy.

Thursday, January 4, 2007

Unreasonably Normal

Why is it that anytime anything weather related happens, it’s always held up as proof of global warming? There are always fluctuations in temperature and rainfall, there are always temperature records being set somewhere, and meteorologists will tell you the time to worry is when temperature records STOP being broken. Yet, anytime it’s a little warmer than usual, it’s a sign of global warming. Anytime it’s a little colder than usual, it’s a sign of global warming. I half expect to hear sometime “Temperatures were completely normal for today. Experts are pointing to this as further proof of global warming.”
In order for a theory to be scientifically legitimate, it must be disprovable. In other words, there must be a certain set of conditions or results which prove the theory, and a certain set that disprove the theory. That’s why scientists don’t take stories of little green spacemonkeys very seriously. You can prove that the aliens are here if you have the evidence, but you can’t prove they’re NOT here, because absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Which is why no one has yet been able to shut up the tinfoil hat crowd, and also why I have to endure the goddamn “UFO Files” every Monday night on the History Channel.
So if every possible set of circumstances that comes up is claimed as evidence of global warming, how do you disprove it? And if you can’t disprove it, what’s the difference between global warming advocates and those guys who stand out in front of Area 51 wearing Mr. Spock ears and waving signs that say “Beam Me Up, E.T.”?

The Occupation Has Begun…

Nancy Pelosi (D-Homorabia) is now, at least in her own mind, the most powerful woman in the world. There are billboards up all over her district congratulating her. And in this time of war and strife, she has sworn to immediately get down to the business that’s most important to the national security of our country: an increase in the minimum wage. This should please one of her key constituencies: the unions. Why would the unions want the minimum wage to go up? It’s not like there are any union employees who actually make the minimum wage. Could it be that most union contracts have the member’s wages pegged to the minimum wage, so that if it goes up, so do their own wages? Could it be that raising the minimum wage makes it less cost effective for companies to hire unskilled workers, thus making skilled, union workers that much more valuable? Nah, couldn’t be that. The unions would never try something as sneaky and underhanded as that, would they?

Quote For The Day

"Will not perhaps the temporal power of Islam return and with it the menace of an armed Mohammedan world, which will shake off the domination of Europeans -- still nominally Christian -- and reappear as the prime enemy of our civilization? The future always comes as a surprise, but political wisdom consists in attempting at least some partial judgment of what that surprise may be. And for my part I cannot but believe that a main unexpected thing of the future is the return of Islam".
-Hilaire Belloc, 1938
Yeah, you've probably seen it before, but I like it.

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Quote For The Day

The private ownership of firearms is completely incompatible with socialism, because firearms ownership requires responsibility, and socialism must foster irresponsibility in order to survive.
-Me, just now

Monday, January 1, 2007

Remember When “Eliminated” Meant "Out Of Contention”?

Denver Broncos cornerback Darrent Williams was shot and killed by a drive by shooting Monday in downtown Denver, just one day after his team was eliminated from the playoff race. I guess someone took the whole “eliminated” thing a little too seriously.

501st Legion Deployed To Quell Unrest

The famed 501st Stormtrooper Legion (also known as Vader’s Fist) has been deployed to prevent potential unrest in the Pasadena region of California during the controversial ‘Tournament of Roses” parade. The tournament which is in its 118th year, has suffered in recent years as an obvious high profile target for the forces of the Rebellion. Emperor Palpatine has promised that this year’s festivities will go undisturbed, and has deployed the 501st, the Empire’s premier military unit, to deliver on this promise.

What Is It With Scientists And Sheep?

Are they lonely, or just having a hard time getting to sleep? Either way, scientists studying homosexuality in sheep in order to find a cure are being told to back off by gay rights groups who are offended by the very idea of a cure. Why? Because if there is a simple, cheap and effective way of screening for, and curing, homosexuality while still in the womb, don’t you think most parents would take advantage of it? If that were to happen, pretty soon, there’d be no more gays.
At the risk of sounding controversial, something we here at Castro Burn In Hell are loath to, (snicker), I’m going to go out on a limb and posit that homosexuality is a disorder, not a preference. Reproductive organs were designed for reproduction. The fact that we can receive pleasure from them, and can further the bonds of love with them, is either a gift from God, or a fluke of evolution, or both, depending on your point of view. It’s undeniable, however, that their biological and structural purpose is for reproduction, which requires the union of one member of each of the two sexes. (Jesus, I can’t believe I have to use my blog to explain the birds and the bees to you people). The impetus for this union to take place is through sexual attraction, where members of the opposite sexes are attracted to each other (or not, depending on how much beer is involved). Men are attracted to women, women to men. If a man (or a woman) is attracted to a member of their own sex, then reproduction cannot take place, and the process breaks down. It is not biologically or evolutionally advantageous for a creature to be sexually attracted to another creature of it’s own gender, much like it isn’t advantageous for it to be sexually attracted to a space heater or a toaster (unless you find yourself trapped on a Cylon Basestar, in which case your survival possibilities may be enhanced by becoming involved in a three-way with two of the blonde toasters).
In any event, I’m not necessarily trying to insult anyone’s sensibilities here. I’m just trying to explain this from a scientific angle. From a biological perspective, homosexuality is a reproductive disorder, and it is the medical imperative to cure or treat medical disorders. Parents have the right, even the responsibility, to do what they can to ensure that their offspring are viable and healthy, regardless of whether or not that gets in the way of the sexual-political agendas of any special interest group.
Let the flaming begin….