While everyone is oohing and ahhing over the discovery of a planet outside our solar system that may be capable of supporting life, I would just like to take this opportunity to say…
That’s right, read it and weep, suckers, it’s all mine now. I’ve got plans for it, too.
First: no Liberals. We’re going to have a free democratic-republic on my new planet, just like the founding fathers of this country envisioned, and, let’s face it, you just can’t have that with Liberals around.
Second, no Muslims. I know this sounds harsh, but we have to face facts here. There are a tremendous number of Muslims who would like nothing better than to kill themselves while taking a bunch of innocent bystanders with them. These kinds of things tend to lower the property value, and my new planet is ALL about property value. I know, I can hear you saying “That’s discriminatory! Most Muslims are moderate and don’t support terrorism in any way.” And you’d be right. But it’s just too damn hard to tell them apart from the crazies, so until they can start doing a better job of policing their own, they can either go infidel or stay home.
Third, no innocent bystanders allowed. I’m sick of having to hear sad stories on the news about how a bunch of people got shot because they couldn’t take the responsibility to protect themselves. On my new world, EVERYONE must own, and carry, a firearm. In fact, everyone who wishes to come will be tested to determine not only if they’re able to handle a firearm, but if they’re willing to USE one, should the need arise.
Fourth, no peaceniks. We are not a warlike people. We do not make war lightly, and when we do, we don’t want to be pestered about it by people who haven’t even smelled soap since they were kicked out of their parents house as teenagers. We are not warmongers. We will only resort to war when the opportunity presents itself. Or if we’re bored.
Fifth, and finally, no environmentalists. The whole principle behind the environmental movement is that we only have one planet, and we have to take care of it. Well, that’s not true anymore, is it? If there’s a habitable planet a mere twenty light years from Earth, they must be pretty common. So, instead of channeling valuable energies into preserving the planet, those energies will instead be channeled into building a huge fleet of starships that we can use to move on to the next habitable planet once we’ve sucked this one dry. Well, that, and war.
So, now that I’ve created this paradise off Earth, the question is, what to name it? Planet X? Alderaan? New Caprica? Bob? I’ll have to think about that one.
The term Liberal in point one above will now be amended slightly to include Neo-Nazis, Holocaust Deniers, 9/11 Truthers, and Furries. I’m sure there will be people who ask “Are you equating such undesirables with Liberals?” As a matter of fact, yes I am. Deal with it.