Castro Near Death; Party Preparations Commencing

Noted dictator, mass-murderer, and all around scumbag Fidel Castro is preparing to meet his maker, Satan, after months of fighting an unspecified, but possibly Aids-like, illness. Many of our imaginary readers have written to me asking, “Rick, if Castro does die, what beer should I serve at the party? Would Corona be appropriate?” The answer to this question is NO! You must serve AMERICAN beer! This is an American holiday we’re talking about here. True, Castro is Cuban, and many, if not most, Cubans wish him dead. But most of those Cubans are over here anyway. The day of Castro’s death should be a Cuban-American holiday, just as Cinco de Mayo is a Mexican-American holiday, St. Patrick’s Day is an Irish-American holiday, and Gay Pride Day is a French-American holiday. If you must serve a non-American beer, Guinness is also acceptable.
But NO HEINEKEN! Heineken is a pussy/hippie/Euro-weenie beer, drunken by those who would mourn Castro’s death. We will not tolerate Euro-trash commie-lovers, and we will not tolerate their lousy Nazi beer!