Tuesday, February 13, 2007

St. Valentine’s Day Massacre

“Valentine’s Day is destroying the environment! We’ve got to stop it or we’re all going to die!” OK, look. There are plenty of people who dislike Valentine’s Day, and I’ll admit, I’m one of them (I have a good reason, though, My father left my mother on Valentine’s Day when I was seven, and I have some bad memories built up over that).But this is just taking things WAY too far. It seems that anytime any event happens that catches the attention of a large number of people, the environmentalists try to tie it in somehow with whatever the hell it is they’re whining about. If we keep buying into this crap, it’ll only be a matter of time before they get that stupid carbon tax passed, and then we’ll all be screwed. Human beings (much like most life forms on the planet) produce carbon dioxide. We spew carbon from our bodies constantly, in our breath, our sweat, and in all our other bodily secretions. Are we going to have a breathing tax? How about a tax on using the restroom? Is this what it will take before everyone realizes that this whole global warming thing is just one big money grab?
Why the hell is everyone so down on carbon dioxide anyway? Its contribution to the earth’s greenhouse effect is minimal at best. Yet we insist on treating it like it’s a pollutant, when in reality, it’s actually a nutrient. Along with water and sunlight, it is the basic ingredient in photosynthesis, the absolute bottom of the food chain. Plants use the three ingredients to make sugar, which, along with other nutrients in the soil, they use for food. The less intelligent animals eat the plants for food, and then the more intelligent animals eat the less intelligent animals for food, usually on a bun with ketchup and mustard. The more intelligent animals then exhale and excrete all that carbon, which is then cycled back to the plants, and thus, we have In-n-Out Burger. Which sounds pretty damn good right about now. I’ll be right back….
(Continued)So, anyway (he says between bites of a Double-Double with Ketchup, mustard and onions only), what was I talking about? Oh yeah, global warming.So here’s a question to consider: Why is it that the people who are screaming loudest for us all to change our lives to combat the theoretical threat of global warming act as if they’re automatically entitled to be excluded from the very laws they want to pass. Like the extreme environmentalists who believe that the way to save the planet is to reduce the human population to a few million. They say it as if, no matter how few people are left, they will automatically be counted among those allowed to survive.
Good enough for thee, but not for me, indeed.

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