Why Is It?

Why is it that we can’t forecast the weather for the next week with any level of accuracy, but we’re just certain what it’ll be like in 50 years?

Why is it that when someone like Hugo Chavez claims that a U.S. backed company is taping his phone calls, it justifies him getting a link on The Drudge Report, instead of him being fitted for a straight-jacket and a tin-foil hat?

Why is it that I even know Rosie O’Donnell’s name? Her stand-up career was basically a brutal cage match between her and Carrot Top over who was the least funny human ever born. Hitler was funnier than her, and at least he could paint.

Why is it that Robert Redford thinks that President Bush owes us all a big apology for the Iraq war, when Mr. Redford has yet to offer any sort of apology for “A River Runs Through It”, one of the gayest films ever made?

Why is it that many left-wingers (and some right-wingers, to be fair) haven’t yet figured out that covering the back of their car with political bumper stickers is a huge frickin’ eyesore, and only demonstrates to the whole world that their political beliefs are so simple-minded that they can easily fit on a bumper sticker?

Why is it that the neighborhoods with the biggest reputation for being “gay” are also the neighborhoods with the highest concentration of hybrid cars?

Why is it that liberals are so obsessed with evolution that they’ve practically made it into a religion, yet they blithely ignore the fact, which any evolutionary biologist will confirm, that the reason we had the necessary time and energy to become the most intelligent species on the planet is that we gave up on the vegetarian lifestyle and started eating meat? Vegetarianism is a rich, white person’s conceit, and veganism is vegetarianism’s retarded half-brother.

Why is it that we never take threats from our enemies seriously, but our allies every word is scrutinized for any hint of hostility toward our enemies?

Why is it that people on the left are even allowed to use the word “Orwellian”, when they are basically the very same people that Orwell was warning us about?

Why is it that new computers ship with the manual on CD-ROM instead of on paper? If the computer isn’t working, how am I supposed to find out how to resolve the problem if I need a working computer to read the manual?

Why is it that we can go days, weeks, even months without a drop of rain, but within three hours of washing my car, it’ll rain just enough to make it look dirty again? Anyone who answers “Global Warming” can go to the back of the class, thank you very much.

Why is it that the day I decide to bring my lunch to work and eat at my desk is the day when everyone decides to call during lunch? Does no one respect lunch anymore?