Thursday, August 31, 2006
DNC to Build Time Machine to Crush Opponents
The Democratic Party has announced today that it will be teaming up with the scientific community in a two pronged attack on what it called the ‘roots of discrimination’ and the Republican Party. According to Howard Dean, head of the DNC, such an effort is not only necessary but “vital to the direction of this country.” Once initiated, the first ‘prong’ of the attack is to go back to the founding of the nation in order to ensure that “dead white males” not be allowed to form a “racist and discriminatory policy of exclusion” Dean will chair a commission that will pick a representative sample of women, minorities and white, upper income democratic lawyers and/or consultants to redraft the Constitution at its inception. Once this effort is in place, the second prong will involve what Dean has described as “revenge” against the “blatantly racist” administration. He will, according to sources close to the DNC, go into the future to seek out and find the giant robot dinosaurs that he reportedly “knows are there.” Once brought back, they will be trained to seek out and destroy Bush and his loyalists. According to one anonymous source, the plan has obsessed Dean to the point where he can be heard around the offices of the DNC muttering “they want to be Dinosaurs on legislation, I’ll show them Dinosaurs!” A fundraiser will be held in New Hampshire on Sept. 11th hosted by Susan Sarandon and featuring the sweet soul stylings of Tim Robbins.