Thursday, August 31, 2006

Lockheed Wins Bid For Lunar Death Trap

NASA today awarded aerospace contractor Lockheed-Martin with the contract to build the Orion Lunar Exploration Vehicle, which they hope can replace the aging fleet of Enterprise class Space Shuttles within 10 years. The Orion design abandons the winged configuration of the older shuttle, and returns to the older Apollo style capsule shape, a design that NASA feels can kill astronauts far more efficiently. This new design carries over the unreliable and fragile heat shielding system from the old vehicle, while adding a few new twists, such as a high explosive package hidden within the vehicle's frame that can be set to randomly detonate during the course of a mission. When asked why they were now trying to deliberatly kill off their astronauts, project manager Skip Hatfield stated "We've noticed that our TV ratings tend to go up significantly immediately after space accidents. In fact, the number one complaint from the public seems to be a lack of advanced notice before the event, making it impossible for them to easily Tivo it. We are simply catering to the desires of our employers, the American public. This will also ensure good ratings for every launch, as viewers will know an explosion is coming, but they won't know exactly when. The advertising revenue from NASA TV alone will more than pay for the replacement of both the vehicles and the crew." In an unrelated story, NASA also announced today an unspecified collaberative project with several Las Vegas casino owners, including multi-millionare Steve Wynn.
Posted by Rick on August 31, 2006 6:52 PM

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