Dems: Bring Out Your Dead

In an effort to ensure their victory in the upcoming November elections, the Democrats are relying heavily on one of their key constituencies: the recently dead. No other demographic group has voted so reliably Democrat, and their help will be desperately needed to counter the top notch GOP voter turnout machine that was put in place after the 2000 election fiasco. However, the Dems have found that there is a serious downside to their efforts, as their three other major constituencies, namely, the mentally retarded, illegal immigrants looking for amnesty, and the currently incarcerated, tend to be the ones who are most vulnerable to the wave of anarchy and cannibalism that accompanies the arrival of election day.In an effort to step down the violence, while at the same time maintaining the proper levels of turnout, the Dems have instituted a policy of using snipers at polling places, who will be responsible for putting down the dead constituents, but only AFTER they’ve had a chance to vote. Democratic leaders feel that this is the best way to guarantee the success of their goal to “take back control of the government, regardless of the cost in lives and treasure to the country as a whole.”Local civic groups are skeptical that the Dems can maintain order at the polls, even with the snipers in place. “Their efforts in this area have been less than successful in the past”, stated one city official, who insisted on anonymity. “Why, in 2004, my recently dead mother managed to kill or infect most of my extended family before casting her vote for John Kerry.”