It's Labor Day weekend again, and once again, we're being warned about the dangers of drunk driving. So, as a court-mandated public service, we are offering our First Annual Labor Day Weekend Drunk Driving Alert to the following locations:
Rhode Island - Keep a wary eye out for Patrick Joseph Kennedy, who resides in your area, and was recently involved in a drunk driving incident in Washington D.C.
Maryland - Be on the lookout for Mark Kennedy Shriver, who is known to live in your area and may be on the road this weekend.
Miami, Florida - Residents of Miami may have more water related mayhem to worry about than just Hurricane Ernesto, as Anthony Paul Kennedy Shriver lives in your area, and may, like the rest of his family, suffer from KDS (Kennedy Driving Syndrome).
Santa Monica, California - Consider yourself warned. You have both a large body of water (the Pacific Ocean) and Robert Sargent Shriver (a known Kennedy) in your area, a combination that has historically proven to be disastrous.
Boston, Massachusettes and outlying areas - You should probably lock yourselves deep inside your homes this weekend, as both Edward Moore Kennedy (involved in several drunk driving incidents, including one resulting in a fatality) and Joseph Patrick Kennedy II, are both known to reside in your areas. Stay away from all bridges and bodies of water, and seriously consider hiding out on at least the seventh or eighth floor of a high rise building.