Professional anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan wept openly today after being informed of a new federal law making it a felony for her to wear spandex shorts in public. "They're persecuting me, is all. First they take away my little Casey, now they take away my shorts. What's next, my lucky fishing hat?" Senator Rick Santorum (R-PA), sponsor of the original bill which was signed into law by the President yesterday, stated, "This is not a matter of public persecution, but of public safety. Do you realize we've had over 24,000 cases of hysterical blindness nationwide since this woman began showing off her deformed camel toe? Clearly, there are public health and decency issues here that trump her right to strut her rancid snatch around in front of innocent bystanders."