Thursday, September 7, 2006

Editorial: Spider-Man Can't Save Us This Time

We face a dark moment in human history. Terrorists are on the rampage. Iraq and Afganistan are in turmoil. Iran is woking on nukes. North Korea probably already has them. The media is completely out of control, dancing wildly at the end of the string held by the corrupt and increasingly dangerous Democratic Party. Our leadership is confused and the people are demoralized. In these desperate times, a million voices cry out in terror, screaming, "Help us, Spider-Man!"Sadly, I must suddenly silence those million voices. Spider-Man can't help you now. Ditto Superman, Batman, hell, even Aquaman can't help, and no one even wants his help anyway. None of your old time comic book heroes will come to your rescue now. "Why?", you ask. "How is it that these steadfast defenders of life and liberty, who held our hand through the darkest of times in the past, have deserted us so thouroghly now?" The answer is simple: Superhero Unions. When the leadership of the superhero unions realized that their union members weren't getting paid for their services, they forced a strike. Why do you think all these problems have suddenly appeared, anyway? Evil senses vulnerability, just as any animal does. Our guard is down, so it's time for them to strike."Well, that's all well and good", you say, "but what should we do to save ourselves?" We have several options, of course. We can go on the defensive, withdrawing all our troops back home, securing the borders and hunkering down, while our government tries vainly to keep the unholy invaders at bay. Or, we could go on the offensive to the extreme, bombing those who oppose us indescriminately, crushing all resistance, and letting the rubble sort itself out. As appealing as this option sounds to the average man on the street, I have to council a third way: Patience. Stay the course, and bide our time. Sooner or later, the Battlestar Galactica will find Earth, and when she does, it's gonna be on! Those vipers will be like, "voom, pow-pow-pow, bang!" The scummy jihadists won't stand a chance. "Oh, sure," you say, "But then we'll still have to deal with the Cylons." To which I say pishaw! The Cylons are nothing. What are they, a bunch of pansy male robots, and a bunch of hot, horny female robots, desparate to get themselves pregnant. Well, I have a plan for that, too....

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